by the seat of our pants

Mikey likes it!!

2012-01-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

My son is very particular about food. It makes sense to me, as someone who is also a picky eater, that my offspring would exhibit similar qualities. I don't really place judgement on it or worry about it much, because frankly, life is short. He's not going to like everything I cook. Hell, I don't even like everything I cook. Some meals just don't pan out, especially when trying something new.

One of my goals for 2012 is to try out 25 new recipes, in an attempt to broaden our taste-buds and maybe add a few keepers to my repertoire. A couple of weeks ago I made a beef curry in the crock-pot, which was a surprise hit for EVERY member of our family (I even made it again this week to take to a potluck-style dinner at Seth's parents house). I was delighted, naturally.

Tonight I tried another completely-new-to-me recipe and shockingly enough, we all were quite fond of it! What? For serious? Yes.

Epic & Easy Minestrone

You will need the following ingredients:

1/2 onion, finely diced (I used red)
1 large carrot, peeled & cubed
2 stalks celery, washed & chopped
2 tbsp butter
4 cups water
2 vegetable bouillon cubes
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed & drained
1 can garbanzo beans, rinsed & drained
1 8oz can tomato sauce
15 oz can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp dried basil
1 tbsp dried oregano
1 whole bay leaf
salt & pepper to taste
1/2 a head shredded cabbage (next time I may use the whole head)
2 cups penne pasta

In large pot, sauté onions, carrots, and celery in butter over medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir in water, bouillon, beans, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, spices, and cabbage. Bring to boil, then reduce heat and simmer about 25 minutes. 10-15 minutes before serving, pour in pasta to cook. Once pasta is cooked, serve Minestrone with parmesan cheese and crusty bread.

All night long I'm dreaming about babies.

2012-01-25T08:21:00.000-08:00

There have been three nights in the last week that I have either dreamt I was pregnant or had a newborn baby. As you can imagine, this has done my head in, as we have been trying to conceive for over a year. Granted, much of that time didn't really count, as my period had not yet returned since going off of the depo shot, but still. A year doesn't really sound like a super long time, especially when I think of friends who have had fertility problems. The kicker for me, is that in that span of time, it seems like everyone I know has gotten pregnant. They're all on the verge of popping out babies, or have them in their arms already and let me tell you... it's killing me, man. KILLING ME.

The dream I had last night was bizarre, in that much of it was underwater. I have an intense fear of submersion and am incapable of willingly going underwater, so for me to have a dream where I do exactly that and have it not be a nightmare is significant. I was swimming around with my dream baby and I felt safe and secure and I wasn't panicking. I didn't wake up with the feeling of dread that water-based dreams usually bring out in me. I guess this is a good thing...?

I finally got my period back this summer and the last few months have been the most reliable and regular cycles I've had in my entire life. One of my favorite things about depo was that it made my periods go away, which was a relief since I've always had long, heavy, painful, and unpredictable periods. The drawback of that is that it took 14 months from my final shot before I menstruated again. Thankfully, I am lucky enough to call Ms. Vagina Science a close and personal friend (seriously, everyone should read her essays and Q&A's about sexual and reproductive health), and she advised me to do a few things to get my menstruation back on track:

Go outside in the natural light for at least 30 minutes a day.

That's just plain good advice, even if you're not trying to make yourself bleeeeeed. Sunshine and fresh air are good for you and it helps your body get in better tune with itself and nature and the universe and whatever. Wooo wooo stuff, y'know.

Get regular exercise.

Once again, something that is good for your health in general. I don't enjoy "working out", but I do love putting on some good music and dancing, hopping on the elliptical for 10 or 15 minutes (it doesn't mess with my joints and I am 100% in control of how fast I go and can adjust the difficulty), or going for a walk (which kills two birds with one stone, since I'd be outside in the light).

Get some Magnesium up in my hizzay.

According to several medical sources and such, "Magnesium deficiency is routine in the American diet and can increase the possibility of high blood pressure and seizures during pregnancy, a condition known as eclampsia. To prevent this deficiency, take 200 milligrams of magnesium in the glycinate form daily. Whole grains, green leafy and other vegetables and nuts are good sources of magnesium. Taking the proper amount of magnesium a day also helps to decrease the leg cramps and constipation often experienced during pregnancy. In addition, magnesium is critical for more than 300 other body functions and will generally help you to feel a lot healthier." Ok, can do. Though I do wonder why no one told me this 11 years ago when I was pregnant with Silas. I was pre-eclamptic and was put on strict bed rest for the final two months of my pregnancy and was put on a magnesium drip while in labor... why didn't anyone get me started on a supplement early in the pregnancy? I was young, poor, and uneducated and lacked the resources to find that info for myself and no doctor telling me this info was a major FAIL.

Start taking a tincture of Dong Quai Root.

Here's a good article on why. Basically, it helps jump-start your entire reproductive system, which is rad. Make sure to stop taking it once your cycle is back to normal. Once you're ovulating again, it's done its job and you don't need to be taking it anymore.

I did all of these things and my period is more reliable than it has ever been in the past, so I consider it a success, though the real success will be getting knocked up. Maybe then I can stop dreaming about babies (or dream about them non-stop for 9 months).

Trust me, it's not easy or fun to point out problematic things.

2012-01-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

I've found that almost every time I point out something appropriative, racist, fatphobic, sexist, homophobic, ableist, what-have-you, that I am told I am "taking things personally" or that I'm "looking for things to be offended by"... and that just floors me. As my friend Katie put it this morning, "Why on earth would people deliberately want to look for things to be offended by? By the time we've simply told the truth about what's really happening, who has energy to go searching for more?" Yup, my thoughts exactly.

Of course, the more I read about social justice and familiarize myself with the concept of micro-aggressions, the more I see them. Our perception of the world around us is influenced by our own experiences, as well as listening to the experiences of others. The more I read and research and listen, the less I am able to look past things and gloss them over. I pick my battles, as I don't have the spoons to spend on endless internet arguments. I'm not saying debates have no value; I've learned a lot from watching back and forth arguments about class and race and oppressive language and sexism on tumblr and facebook. It seems the people watching usually take more away from it than the people doing the talking anyway. But there are also times I can't stay quiet, when people I love and respect do and say problematic things. It's tricky, because most of the time, their intent is not to harm. I don't want it to sound like I'm accusing them of being terrible, horrible human beings.

This quote I posted on FB a few days ago sums up my feelings on intent:

"From a very young age we’re basically taught to think of racism and “anything bad” isms as something “very bad people [consciously] do.” We are always taught to identify with the good guys and wonder what the bad guys were thinking. We then have a lot of trouble actually identifying evil thoughts within ourselves, because we don’t see ourselves as being “evil people.”

But part of truly understanding the horror of many acts in history is understanding that the people who made them happen were not particularly evil- the people that followed weren’t particularly evil. That evil often happens in little steps, tiny jokes and references and cultural nuances until something snaps and the whole thing snowballs into chaos and upheaval. Evil as it occurs when groups of people are denied rights or killed or discriminated against or whatever isn’t necessarily the result of an evil thought, but rather the result of a lack of conscious thoughts fighting evil."

- http://feministdisney.tumblr.com

Many of these small displays of injustice are completely unintentional, but to not call them out would be intentional on my part. I know, I know. I'm just a bitter and over-sensitive boner-killer. How dare I not just laugh and move right along, right? Sometimes, I do move along (minus the laughing, because contrary to popular belief, I have a FAB sense of humor and that shit just isn't funny), mainly in conversations about race, because POC don't need another white voice hogging their space. When the conversation is about fatness (or sexism or mental illness), though, you'd better believe I'm going to be soap-boxing.

Back in September I saw this image floating around facebook.

It had been shared by someone I know.

My response to the image was this: "Fatness and it's environmental causes are NOT this simple and images like this only further enforce the fallacies that the general public already believes about fat people. There are fat people who walk, bike, ride the bus everywhere, etc. There are thin people who won't park their car to go into the store and will go through a drive-through instead. Fatness or lack thereof is no indicator of health or well-being. It just isn't that simple. This image thinks it's real clever, when all it's doing is the same as the playground bully who points at the fat kid and says, "You're lazy and greedy!!" The use of the fatty as a scapegoat for wealth, greed, and environmental unconsciousness needs to end." Predictably, I was told by several people (most of whom were thin and therefore acceptable to society) that I was wrong, that no one meant any harm by it, that I was seeing something that wasn't there, and that I was taking it all "too personally".

My advice to anyone who gets called out on problematic words or behavior by someone in a position of less privilege? Listen. Then listen some more. Don't defend, don't argue, don't dismiss.

LISTEN.

The Red Clover Keep

2012-01-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

Seth and I sat down with the list of suggested names this morning and took turns circling ones we liked and crossing off those we didn't. When it came down to it, we found ourselves torn between "The Red Keep" and "Clover Crossing". Seth liked the first one the best, but I found the inclusion of clover to be something that really called to me... I hadn't included it on the list of relevant/inspirational words, yet totally should have, since our garden is lousy with it!

We decided early on, before even breaking ground, that we had no desire to plant a traditional lawn and after some research, decided to plant micro-clover instead. It turned out quite well and makes the yard look lush and wild (in the places it took, anyway. We have more work to do this spring and summer).

So, I'm considering Alix the grand prize winner, since I used his entire name idea, and just threw in an extra word. I'm also giving a second place price to jocox, since she was the only person who suggested the word clover! I'll be emailing the both of you before the weekend is through!

306

2012-01-17T13:47:00.000-08:00

Having been in the house for over a year and a half, I feel like it's time to finally tackle something I've been putting off - naming our home. I was enamored with the Anne of Green Gables series as a child and always dreamed that I'd end up in a grand Victorian Painted Lady with a veranda and a large garden and little stream running behind it. I'd name it something fancy and distinguished like Ingleside or Rainbow Valley or Poplar Manor or some such thing. And now that I'm on my second watch-through of Downton Abbey, it's only gotten worse!

Well, our house doesn't have a veranda or a stream, but having it built did work out quite nicely. I adore this house and our garden and have a deep connection to this place. It's a constant work-in-progress and every little thing I finish inside and out just adds to the overall ambiance. I feel that it deserves a name. Something pretty and sweet, yet quirky, just like the house (and us, for that matter).

For goodness' sake, we painted the thing tomato red/orange and then did the door up in a Caribbean Blue Teal. Our yard is funky and unfinished and wild. The inside of our home is stacked high with pictures and knick-knacks and books and various and sundry homemade touches. Any old name just won't do. I've tossed around so many ideas in my head, only to end up disliking each and every one (probably because I ripped them apart and critiqued them to death). What it all comes down to is that I need your help. I need some new ideas, several fresh pairs of eyes from people who don't actually live in the house, and some general input from my readers and friends.

I've decided to have a contest/giveaway!

Comments closed. I'm going to leave comments open on this post and if you have ANY name ideas for our home, please leave them here. You may enter as many times as you like. The more house names you submit, the more chances you'll have of winning! Comments closed.

The prize - almost $50 worth of merchandise from Soft & Cozy, in the form of one Patchwork Cuff, one set of Lavender & Mint Dryer Sachets, one 5' long Felt Garland, plus some random little goodies thrown in for good measure!

Here are some basic qualities of our house/garden/property that I've jotted down. They may help inspire you!

Stellar-jays
teal front door
red/orange house
wood chips
ornamental grasses
large rocks
the hill in the backyard
Madrona
the little hollow of trees in the side-yard
we're on the corner of our street
stepping stones
rock borders
poppies
doily trees/lace
the word "Paprika" (I don't even know)

Comments closed. ~~I will pick the name I like best this weekend! I'll close the comments at 10pm on Friday night. Please help me figure out a name that fits!~~ Comments closed.

America's Coolest Small Town, obvs.

2012-01-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

Budget Travel is currently running a contest to determine America's coolest small town. I've been voting for the past few days (you can vote once a day) and we seem to be consistently in 4th place. I mean, what's so rad about Hammondsport, NY? I'm sure it's a lovely place, but should it be beating Port Townsend? I may be a bit biased, but I don't think so.

Seriously. Look at these buildings.

It's ridiculously gorgeous here, even on a moody, overcast day.

Even our post office is epic.

Mountains and water in almost every direction.

It often feels like we're on an island.

This place is chock-full of history.

Mount Baker is currently covered in snow. The way the sun reflects off of it is incredibly hard to capture in a picture. I had to try, though.

I don't see how any small town could be cooler. Please vote for Port Townsend. There really is no other place like it.

I thought I didn't like curry; I was wrong.

2012-01-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

One of my resolutions for 2012 is to try out 25 new recipes! This first one proved to be a truly EPIC meal. Delicious, filling, cheap, fairly simple to make, and everybody liked it. Yes, you heard me right. Everybody. Silas positively devoured it. So without any further ado, I present to you...

Crockpot Beef Curry over Rice

What you'll need:

3 red potatoes, peeled and cut into smallish chunks
3 medium sized carrots, peeled and cut into 1/2 inch rounds
several tbsp of vegetable oil
1 lb boneless beef chuck, trimmed of fat and cut into 1 inch cubes and blotted dry
1 onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
2 cups beef broth
2 cups water
3 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tbsp curry powder
1 cup frozen peas
salt and pepper to taste
1 cup cooked rice

Step one: Put the potato chunks in crockpot on LOW heat, then layer the carrots over the top.

Step two: In a large skillet over medium heat add 1 tbsp oil. Add the cubes of beef and brown on all sides. Transfer the browned meat into the crockpot. Heat another tbsp of oil in the same skillet and add the onion and garlic. Cook until soft, about 3-5 minutes. Salt and pepper a bit and add to the crockpot. Pour the beef broth into the same skillet and bring to a boil, then add to the crockpot. Cover and cook on low for 6 hours.

Step three: Start your rice cooking! In a small saucepan heat 2 tbsp of oil over medium-high heat. Add the flour and mix it up well. Once it starts to brown a little bit, add the curry and mix it up again. Remove the saucepan from the heat and turn the crockpot up to HIGH. Scoop out 1/2 cup of the cooking broth and add it to the curry/flour/oil mixture. Stir well until there are no chunks, Keep adding small amounts of broth, stirring constantly, until the texture resembles a cream-style gravy. Once it's there, stir it into the crockpot, being careful of the soft veggies. Heat up the frozen peas in the microwave for 2-3 minutes in a little bit of water. Strain them and stir them into the pot. The rice may be done by this point, or getting close. Put the lid back on the crockpot and cook on high for about 20 minutes. Deal with your rice while that's happening. Prepare to be hit by a WALL OF FLAVOR.

This made enough for dinner for the 3 of us (with seconds) and 3 lunch-sized servings for tomorrow!

My Queen.

2012-01-08T12:19:00.000-08:00

I've been so focused on the new kitten and taking pictures of her and cuddling her and playing with her and telling anyone who will listen about what an utterly FANTASTIC little kitten she is, that I feel I've been neglecting Chuck a bit. Not actually neglecting her - she still gets plenty of love and attention, but she's not in as many pictures or talked about as often as she was. Granted, she's never been an easy cat to photograph. Partially because of her coloring and also because she runs right up to you if you sit on the floor or lean down, the angles from which I usually try to snap her from. She's all like, "Oh! You've come down here to visit me!" RUB RUB RUB PURRRRRRR. So yes.

Drug Party.

I look back at pictures like this one, taken in August of 2010 (when we'd only had her for about a month) and it's hard to believe she's the same cat. She's filled out, both in weight and in fluffy hair, and she's a lot more mellow. Less starved for love and more content to laze around in chairs, grooming herself fastidiously, and basking in the sun. I luff her.

The exact time of death is unknown at this time.

2012-01-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have a story that may make any of you who are struggling with your parenting feel a little bit better:

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I went down to a local coffee shop with our kids to grab a bite to eat and visit. Silas and his friend got antsy after they finished their cocoa, so they played darts for a bit on the board that’s set up in the back of the coffee shop. That lost its novelty after about 15 minutes, so Silas asked if they could go walk around downtown. We live in a teeny tiny very kid friendly town and now that Silas is 10 1/2, I let him go pretty free range the majority of the time (which isn't a ton since he is frankly a bit of a homebody). The main drag of our town is only 2 blocks wide and about 6 or 7 blocks long (the coffee shop was near the middle of the loop). There are piers and beaches and a park and just general fun stuff for them to explore.

We said sure and they went out on their adventure and came back pink and rosy and smiling about 15 or 20 minutes later. They loved the independence and we loved being able to finish our tea at our own pace. When they got back we were ready to head out and do other things.

Pre-pubescent people on the loose! Who knows what they'll find!

We're back at home that evening and Seth checks the PT Leader website, as he often does… turns out that just a few hours after they were out and about, less than 3 blocks away from where they went to the wharf, a decomposed body was found. I cannot decide if this is horrifying or slightly amusing... or both. I think it’s a little bit of both. We almost had a Stand By Me situation on our hands. So I humbly bestow upon all of you well-meaning parents out there the Parent of the Year Award for at least not sending your kid down to the beach to stumble upon corpses.

The end.

Shop my closet, Round three: Bracelets and necklaces and rings, OH MY!

2012-01-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

As I detailed in my previous "Shop My Closet" post, there is an unschooling mom meet-up in Vegas next month (it's been pushed out a couple of weeks, which is fantastic for me, because it gives me more time to save up my $$$) and I'm dying to go and see some close friends that I haven't seen since last May. I've gone through my accessory collection, much of which was purchased when I was working as a barista & cashier, and have chosen items I don't wear much anymore to offer up to my readers.

I try not to ask for help in the money department if I don't have a tangible item to exchange it for, but between LiG in May and Chautauqua in September (as well as trips to hopefully see friends in Oregon & Texas sometime this year), my meager income as a hand-sewist is being stretched to a breaking point.

Once again, the way I'm going to do this is I'll assign a number to each item and leave the comments open. If you're interested in any of them, leave a comment letting me know which one(s) and I'll email you my paypal info (make sure your email is linked to your comment). The prices listed are including shipping within the US. If you live outside of the US, talk to me and we'll figure something out.

~~Rings #1 (silver-toned)~~ and #2 (gold-toned) $10

The silver one is SOLD.

Necklace #1 - $9

Necklace #2 - $10

~~Necklace #3 (double-sided) - $12~~

This lovely has been bought'n.

Necklace #4 - $8

~~Necklace #5 - $9~~

SOLD

Bracelet set #1 - $10

Bracelet #2 - $9

Bracelet #3 - $8

Bracelet #4 - $8

Let the accessory buying begin! Leave a comment if you're interested in any of these and make sure you tell me which item(s) you want and that you leave your email address. I'll cross out listings as they sell. Also, I've got a coupon code set up in the shop that takes 20% off your entire order, VEGAS. Happy buying!

my goyls.

2012-01-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

It's weird to me that Panda hasn't even been with us for 3 months yet.

She fits right in with the insanity.

Shop my closet, Round two: Earrings!!

2012-01-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

A bunch of us unschooling moms are meeting up in Vegas in the middle of February and I’m dying to go and hang out with these hilarious ladies again (plus I have never been to Vegas), but as per usual, funds are tight. Three or four of us are coming from Washington and are hoping to carpool down and share driving and gas costs, as well as sharing rooms once there to keep the whole affair cheap. In an effort to raise some extra funds to pay for the trip, I've decided to cull my earring collection and sell the pairs I never wear! I did a similar post at the beginning of Summer to try and off-load some of my shoes, so if you wear a size 8, go check that out. Many pairs are still available!

The way I'm going to do this is I will assign a number to each pair and I will leave the comments open. If you're interested in any of them, leave a comment letting me know and I'll email you my paypal info (make sure your email is linked to your comment). The prices listed are including shipping within the US (if you live abroad, talk to me and we'll figure something out), just to keep things simple.

~~Pair #1 - $6~~
This pair is sold!

Pair #2 - $5

Pair #3 - $4

Pair #4 - $6

~~Pair #5 - $6~~

This pair has been sold!

Pair #6 - $4

Pair #7 - $4

Pair #8 - $6

~~Pair #9 - $5~~

These have sold!

~~Pair #10 - $5~~

This pair is sold! :)

~~Pair #11 - $5~~

This pair is SOLD.

Pair #12 - $5

Pair #13 - $4

~~Pair #14 - $4~~

Sold, sold, sold.

Pair #15 - $5

Pair #16 - $7

~~Pair #17 - $5~~

These puppies are sold, sold, sold.

Pair #18 - $5

~~Pair #19 - $9~~

Sold!

Let the earring buying begin! Leave a comment if you're interested in any of these and make sure you tell me which pair(s) you want and that you leave your email address. If you're willing to buy all 11 pairs that are left (the total of which comes to $55) I'd be cool with you taking ALL OF THEM for $45. I'll cross out listings as they sell. Keep your eyes peeled in the next few days, as I will also be doing a post of bracelets, necklaces, and rings!

"When a highly shiny object is seen by the sufferer it often may induce a compulsive need to claim it ."

2012-01-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am most definitely a decorator. It comes naturally to me that when I enter a room, I see all sorts of potential and get ideas for ways it could be perked up. My own home is decorated obsessively and is like a condensed version of my personality. I don't keep anything that I don't absolutely love, so the space has been sort of curated to suit my tastes and fancies, while also being a comfortable and cozy space for my partner and son.

One of my favorite ways to spruce up a space is through art. Be it maps, graphic prints, unique fabrics hung in embroidery hoops, posters, illustrations... it can add a lot of pizazz to a room. Some of my decorative art was bought locally, some was thrifted, some was made by me, but the vast majority of it has been purchased directly from the artists online.

I absolutely love calendars and would seriously have one in every room if I could afford it! For both 2011 and 2012 I have bought an illustrated calendar from the etsy shop, Sadly Harmless (check her work out, it is truly lovely). On December 30th I decided to take the old one down and put the new one up. It seemed like such a shame to just recycle it or put it away in the cupboard, so I cut out my ten favorite illustrations and hung them up on my 5-panel doors! I put half of them on the door to the laundry room (which comes off the living room)...

And the other half of them on the door to Silas' bathroom (also the guest bathroom)! ♥ They are a perfect addition and now I get to enjoy them indefinitely. Basically, I paid $15 or so on something practical and pretty, used it for an entire year, and now get to see it again and again.

Life Goals for the End of Days.

2011-12-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

I haven't done any kind of New Year's Resolutions in a few years and I feel oddly inspired to lay some out for 2012. In the past, my promises to myself were steeped in negative language: I will quit doing blahblahblah, no more [random food item], cut back on xyz, and stop doing this, that, and the other. Many of them (predictably) had to do with weight loss and disordered eating. It makes sense that I needed to take some time off from such negativity in my first few years of accepting and loving my body. Fuck those negative vibes, man. I'm approaching my resolutions this year from a decidedly positive place; It's basically going to be a to-do list of epic proportions.

Some of the things on my list do have to do with my appearance, but not my weight. It's all about gender performance, self-care, and self-expression in 2012!

Learn to walk in heels. This has been a goal of mine for a very long time and this year I will buckle down and buy a cheap pair to practice in. As I master the technique, I will slowly increase the height of the heel and hopefully decrease the width of the heel itself. Spiky stilettos, here I come!
Figure out how to do a proper wing with liquid eyeliner. I only started wearing liquid liner this year (as well as filling in my eyebrows with brown eyeshadow) and I usually round off the end with a moist q-tip. I want wings, damnit. Yes, I know there are youtube tutorials and I've seen the scotch-tape thing, but I've only succeeded at doing a decent wing ONCE and I simply need more practice. I rarely leave the house without liquid liner on, I'm just tired of it not being the exact look I want.
Find the right shade of red lipstick for my coloring and start wearing it on the regular. Awhile back, Kyla The Great did a review of Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics liquid lip color, Lip Tar, and this stuff is Serious Business. I just need to to figure out what shade works best for me and order some.
Paint my nails more often. This one is simple. I already have a decent variety of colors in my collection, I just need to set aside the time and do it.

Alia Shawkat looking delightfully femme.

This next set of resolutions are related to my general health and well-being and will be tackled from a HAES perspective.

Drink more water. It's simple and straightforward, but I still have stress forcing myself to do it. Water consumption is one of the things I keep track of in my day planner and lately, it's been tapering off. I need to have a glass or bottle nearby at all times.
Exercise at least 3 times a week. My experience has been that the best way to keep my blood pressure in the normal range is to be more active. I'm not a person who sits very much and the majority of my day is spent on my feet, but I'm generally just standing and not exactly moving around a lot. I bought an elliptical at the end of September and have yet to get into a regular routine with it. I'll use it a few times one week and then not touch it for a couple of weeks and so on. I need to use it more often and slowly increase the length of time I'm on there. I usually last about 10 to 15 minutes tops right now before I get bored. I also love dancing and took a Zumba class once, which I enjoyed greatly. All of these activities need to be worked into my life more.

The last few resolutions are kind of random and don't fit neatly into the above categories.

Try out 25 completely new recipes. This would only be about two new meals a month, which shouldn't be a problem. I'm a decent cook, but I tend to make the same things over and over. It's time to mix it up a bit.
Sign up for the alcove at the front of The Food Co-op once a month. I did this a few times over the last few months and while I didn't make sales every single time, reserving the space is free and it gave me great exposure. It's one morning or afternoon a month... I can fit that in.
Introduce a few new items to the Etsy shop. This is something I've been wanting to do for awhile, but this is a great opportunity to stop procrastinating and hold myself to it! I've got more patchwork in the pipes: Neck warmer/scarf/collar type things (I've got to figure out what I'm going to call them if I want to market and sell them. Ack!), decorative hoop wall-hangings, and some other surprises! I also want to make more of my cuffs, baby cubes, and coordinate some more sachet sets!
Get the yard a lot closer to finished. I know that landscaping and gardening are never really done, but it is currently a MESS out there. I've got a lot of areas where I need to lay down sheets to kill the weeds and cover them with beauty bark, as well as some rock borders that need to be put in, etc etc etc. It will always be an ongoing project, but I want to make lots of progress this Spring. LOTS.
Pose for semi-nude portraits. I saved this one for last because it's a big'n. I've been toying around with this idea for a couple of years and finally decided that it's time. My longtime BFF, Lexi, is an incredibly talented photographer. She's taken several pictures of me over the years and I've loved every one of them. If I'd be comfortable with anyone taking pictures of me in next to nothing, it'd be her. She's never done nudes or semi-nudes before and so this will be a big deal for both of us. Time to document my ruffle-butt!

So yes, it's a long list. I know. I think that as long as I stay positive and focus on what I want to start doing instead of what I want to stop doing, it will be something I can accomplish. This is going to a rad year. I can feel it in my bones.

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke, and somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

2011-12-30T09:34:00.000-08:00

I've been attempting to look back over 2011, to refresh my memory of all the fun and exciting and hectic things that happened, and I'm finding it extremely difficult. I only wrote four posts in the first half of the year. FOUR. I documented very little in this space.

It's not that we weren't doing anything at all, it's just that my drive to write about it fell away for a bit. Thankfully, attending Life is Good for the first time inspired me to type up a storm and it just kept coming. Not as frequently as I'd blogged in past years (I never exceeded 13 posts in 1 month this whole year), but it definitely felt good to think out-loud again.

I mused about my relationship with my mother (or lack thereof), put out a zine, accepted the fact that my fat caused a piece of furniture to collapse, and talked about how my son and I are sometimes total assholes to each other. I turned 30 and decided that was as good a time as any to start TMI-ing everybody about my fertility (I also threw myself a super rad birthday bash). I realized that I was starting to become my mother and promptly freaked the fuck out, and then I cooked many many meals from a small pool of ingredients.

I taught other people how to sew by hand and fell madly in love with a new kitten. I dealt with a good friend moving away and an era essentially ending and tried to figure out what that means in terms of finding friends who aren't small-minded in a small town (it's HARD). I finally got my teeth worked on and now won't have to go back to the dentist for a year or two, unless a tooth breaks in half or explodes or something. We also hosted Seth's family for Giftmas Morning Brunch. All in all, we did quite a bit.

It's been a busy year. I've learned a lot about myself, what I want my life to look like, and how to make it happen. I'm excited about the coming year and am looking forward to setting some goals for my business, as well as my personal life.

totes uh-may-may

2011-12-29T10:14:00.000-08:00

This week I got to spend an utterly AMAZING three days hosting my bosom friend Amber (who is blunt and vulgar and wise and squishy) and her delightful daughter, Olivia (who I am convinced is a 30 year old woman in the body of an 8 year old). I'm slowly but surely coming out of the haze of good food, great laughs, and general awesomeness.

Amber and I have known each other for almost 6 years. She was the first friend I made in Port Townsend, outside of the girls I met through work - my first REAL and GENUINE friend in this place. She moved to Seattle a few years ago and across the country to Boston this Summer for schooling. We haven't always been close, geographically or emotionally, but Amber put it well as I drove them back to the ferry; We've been constant voyeurs into one-another's lives the entire time. First through LiveJournal, then through Facebook and our respective blogs, and most recently through Tumblr, we've always had an emotional investment in how the other is getting on in life. I'm not sure I have that with anyone else. I have many online friends who I've known for 10+ years and many friends from my teens who don't live nearby anymore, but the connection between Amber and I is wholly unique and bizarre and lovely. This visit was extra special because it gave us a chance to build on that in person, face to face. In those 3 days we got to hang out more than I think we had in the total time of being friends. It was a gift.

This was meant to happen.

These people are a part of my life and I'm a part of theirs.

One of my favorite things about their stay here was seeing Olivia and Silas hanging out. Back in late 2006 and early 2007, these two played together several times. Oh how I wish I could find pictures! I know a couple exist, but I can't seem to track them down. To see them reunited was overwhelmingly special. I had asked Silas beforehand if he remembered Olivia and even though he didn't, he was excited to see her and get to know her. Once she hopped into the back seat with him his eyes got wide and he told her, "I didn't think I remembered you, but now that I see your face, I TOTALLY know you!" They hadn't seen eachother in almost 5 years.

They weren't always eachother's cup of tea (are friends EVER totally?), but that didn't stop them from having a grand old time exploring and playing and having the most random of adventures.

A non-stop blur of laughing and carrying-on.

On the second night of their visit, our mutual friend, Kitty, came over for dinner and good company. I made my homemade version of KFC Famous Bowls (I finally perfected my gravy!!) and we drank mimosas and watched The Muppet Movie and made videos (you have to watch them, I'm not even kidding. We are utterly ridiculous in them). Oh my christ, it was the best night in the history of nights.

If Amber and Olivia still lived here (and Kitty, for that matter, who is just home from college for Winter break), we'd be doing this a couple of times a month, at the very least. I can guarantee it.

When I got up this morning to a quiet house with half as many people in it, I let out a stereotypically maudlin sigh. I couldn't help it; it was a wonderful visit and altogether FAR too short. I'm so glad we got to make such hilarious memories.

a flurry of movement

2011-12-21T10:31:00.000-08:00

You know how when you meet new people, one of the first questions they ask is what you do for a living? Ever since leaving my job as a grocery-store-checker in the Summer of 2009, I've answered that I work from home, doing hand-sewing and selling my creations through Etsy, but I've always felt like a bit of a fraud when saying it. Sure, sewing at home and selling the results is what I do with the majority of my time, but I've never made a living wage doing it. If I were single and living on my own, I'd have to have a more traditional day-job as well. It's still only a supplemental income, if we're looking at it from a purely financial standpoint. It's more tangible than that, though, from a personal and philosophical standpoint.

It's nearly impossible to make a living wage through a small online shop filled with handmade goods. A very small percentage of the people who do this sort of thing are able to live off that income alone. Granted, I don't have the overhead that a brick and mortar store does, but my fabric collection took time and money to grow to its current size. We built a house with an extra bedroom partially as a computer room and partially because I needed a studio to work in. Each item I make takes a decent amount of time to draft, trace, cut, and put together. If it's an item that needs hand-stitched button holes, then shit just got real. This is a time-consuming endeavor, for sure. Three years in and it's starting to come together into something real and rewarding.

My brand is becoming more than just an etsy storefront, it's becoming an extension of myself. My aesthetic is unmistakeably Jasie. 2011 has been a year of tremendous growth for me and my sewing in that my vision for what I want Soft & Cozy to be has hit its target like a guided awesome-seeking missile.

This has been a year of many firsts for my business.

I was asked to be part of a group Holiday Sale at the Hand Work Studio, which is an exciting artist co-op just down the road from my house. It was a great event to be a part of and it gave me the opportunity to make some great contacts, get some exposure, and be a part of something that is just bursting with creative energy! I decided going in that as long as I broke even on my booth fee, I'd consider the sale a financial success - That happened with my second customer, twenty minutes after the doors opened. Anything after that was a bonus, I figured. I ended up walking away with another dozen sales by the end of it!

I also signed up for several time-slots in the alcove at the front of our local Food Co-op, a space they let local cottage merchants reserve for free. Since there was no fee, any sale I made was a profit. Granted, I didn't make many sales, though once Thanksgiving had passed and people were in gift-buying mode, it definitely picked up. The main benefit of being in that space was the exposure. A LOT of people stopped to talk to me about what I do and many took a business card, which is always a good thing. Even if it goes to the bottom of their purse and they don't see it for months, I'm up in their brain and they'll remember my stuff the next time they see it.

The crowd at the Hand Work Studio's Holiday Sale

What a turn out!

And this brings us to business cards - I finally invested in some this Summer. It was about damn time. I went with a local printing company (warning, their website is straight out of 1998. Yikes), rather than moo or vistaprint or any of those online business card places and although it was a little more spendy, they had great service and I was happy with the results. Local businesses for the win!

The biggest opportunity I was given this year was to teach hand-sewing workshops at AoT. Not many people learn how to sew by hand in this day and age and for me to get to share something that I am passionate about and proficient at was a great amount of fun. I taught two different patchwork projects and got to hang out with some really neat people while doing it! We even got a shout-out from a local radio show during our last class, since we let them know we were listening in. There's nothing like listening to Fugazi and drinking champagne while sewing away with a great group of local ladies. I'll be continuing these classes in the new year, hopefully every month, and we'll be branching out into other forms of creative crafting. Stay tuned.

Me in full-on instructor mode. Check out that level of focus. ZAP!

And they're deep in it too.

As 2012 grows closer and closer (seriously, why does time move so much more quickly as I age?! This Winter has been such a blur and when did Fall happen?) I'm honing in even more specifically on what I want for Soft & Cozy and my sewing in general. I'm most excited about some new products I'll be integrating into my inventory in the coming months - there will be more wearable patchwork goodies as well as some new home decor items that are SO me that it's scary. I look forward to sharing all of this and more with you.

If you give a dad a cookie...

2011-12-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

I don't want to speak for all mothers or parents, but there are things I have witnessed in the way that people view mothering and fathering differently that I feel need to be addressed, before they make me gouge my eyes out in frustration.

- double standards, we has them -

So often I see fathers congratulated for showing up. Don't get me wrong, showing up as a parent is a great thing, but it is only the first step of parenting. He changes a few diapers or makes dinner or takes the kids to the park and he's Father of the Year? Why is it that when we see a mother do these things, it isn't considered special or extraordinary or worthy of a pat on the back? Mom could be at the park with the kids or the grocery store or the library and it's just considered normal.

When I was a checker, I'd occasionally see a mom out doing the shopping by herself and when she ran into people she knew, the first words out of their mouth after the usual hi and how have you been were, "So where are the kids? At home with [name of dad]?" or even worse, "Oh, is [name of dad] babysitting? Lucky you!" And yet, when Dad is at the store alone with the kids, he gets practically cooed at by every passer-by with a biological clock.

NORMALIZE THIS!

All too often, when I witness people talking about divorced/separated co-parents, their reaction to a mother having her child/ren two nights a week is that she isn't really much of a parent or is a deadbeat or must be lacking in some motherly instincts/abilities. The reaction to a father taking the child/ren for two nights a week is a shocked and impressed exclamation, "he has them EVERY weekend?" I've gotten this response from people about my ex and it blew me away. If our roles were reversed, I'd be vilified! Even worse if I ever had the audacity to move to a different part of the country for a period and left my child to live with his father in the meantime.

So yes, I want to see pictures and status updates about how your husband/boyfriend/co-parent wears the baby or volunteers in the classroom or takes the kids to the beach; not because you're tripping over yourself in unwarranted gratitude for him doing Normal Good-Parent Tasks, though, but to show that these things already SHOULD be considered normal for him to be doing. Every time they exert the bare minimum of effort and we gush about how UH-MAY-ZING they are, we're only short-changing them out of their role as a parent, and worse, short-changing the kid/s on the receiving end of such bare minimum parenting. Saying it's good enough is letting them off the hook from ever carrying more of the weight.

And as for how we treat moms... pleeeeeease give them a break and let them do their thing. This judging every single tiny thing they do thing really isn't helping anybody.

Support more, speculate less.

They see me droolin', they hatin'.

2011-12-13T12:32:00.000-08:00

I have a severely complicated relationship with dental work. I didn't have my first dental appointment until I was 23 and it was to remove a irreparably decayed molar. Growing up poor (and in an entrepreneurial family), we never had dental insurance and because there wasn't pain or visible issues, I was never taken to see a dentist. My dad got dentures when I was only 8 and it was incredibly expensive. We brushed and flossed and used bacteria killing mouthwash and had deluded ourselves into thinking that as long as nothing hurt, no other care was needed.

This carried on into adulthood for me and because of my lack of experience sitting in the reclining exam chair, I developed major anxiety about dental work in general. I didn't have another appointment until it was necessary to have my wisdom teeth pulled, which I was thankfully put under for. Then when I got the job at Safeway, because of finally being insured, I found a dentist I liked and started going in for regular care and maintenance. Once I left that hellhole of a job, I again neglected my teeth, which wasn't a big deal for me... until I lost big chunks of two of my molars and started feeling excruciating amounts of pain. So now? Now I'm paying out of pocket and doing something about the state my poor mouth is in.

My dentist is a dear who acknowledges the severe anxiety I have about being in the chair and graciously gives me a valium before each appointment and immediately hooks me up to the laughing gas. Thank Fucking Goodness.

Today while I was having my exam, x-rays, and cleaning of the lower right quadrant, my hazy and tingly brain drifted away... Rolling in the Deep was playing on the canned music piped into the office. My hands felt floaty and my lip felt fat and bloated. For some reason, memories of third grade started moving into my internal peripherals. ...We could have had it aaaaallll... I wanted so badly to attend the Young Writer's Conference, but only two students from each classroom were selected and somehow Miranda Gerberding beat me and got to go. ...Rolling in the deeeeeeep...The boy from my class who went was someone I had an intense crush on (something that rotated weekly for me as a smitten 8 year old on the prowl) and she would get to spend the day writing poems and listening to authors speak and attend workshops with the object of my pre-pubescent infatuation. I was utterly crushed. ...You had my heart inside your hands... I won the competition the next year and was able to go to the conference, but it was bittersweet, as Brandon had moved on and the boy who won it with me the next year wasn't cute enough to be on my radar. ...And you played it to the beat...

The squealing and scraping of the tools was over and I floated out of my weird daydream. They printed out the costs of the needed routines and their order of priority. I made an appointment for a week from now to get the next order of business taken care of. They handed me another valium to take right before the next appointment. And now here I am - numb and uncontrollably drooly.

lynx and such.

2011-12-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

Time to wrangle up some random internetting from the last couple of days. Enjoy!

This film is perfection, hands-down, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It totally holds up and was the perfect accompaniment to my lightning-fast sewing blitz a few days ago. It's available on Netflix instant right now, if'n you're interested.

I had a bit of trepidation about watching this video, because of the unfortunate screenshot that the thumbnail came from, heh, but it was quite good and supported a Health At Every Size approach to exercise and fitness and overall health and well-being.

Registration for the Oregon Chautauqua is now open. They need 60 people registered and deposit paid by March 1st to keep the camp going this year. If you've been on the fence, please take a look at my post about this year. It's a seriously amazing vacation.

Listening While Feminist: In Defense of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by Slay Belle
"I’ve heard the take on “Baby” as “rapey” a couple of times over the years and the concern about the song usually centers in on one line – “say what’s in this drink,” which many contemporary listeners assume is a reference to a date rape drug. But narrowing in on this particular line divorces it from its own internal context, and having only passing familiarity with the song divorces it from its cultural context."

Goddammit, Part Two by Melissa McEwan
"Whether Plan B is available isn’t going to change the facts of the world. It’s only going to be yet another example of how we routinely consider tween girls simultaneously old enough to be sexual targets, and too young to be allowed to be sexually empowered. Anyone who is more concerned about a pregnant child being hurt by contraceptives than they are about that child being raped, pregnant, and forced instead to undergo an abortion or a full-term pregnancy and delivery, is living in a silly, stupid, unserious bubble of self-deceit, and no one should listen to anything they have to say on the subject of reproductive rights ever again."

I'm pro-choice because... at Raising My Boychick
"I’m pro-choice because every child should have the right to be a chosen child, whether or not their conception was intended. I’m pro-choice because parenthood is way too damned hard for anyone to be forced into it. I’m pro-choice because people with uteruses are, y’know, people, and capable of making their own decisions."

The True Cost of Handmade by Somer Sherwood
"Without accounting for the cost of materials, at $150, I would be paying myself about $7.50 per hour for this hat. This hat that I created. This hat that is my art. This hat that is one-of-a-kind, that evolved from a tiny little round of crocheted stitches into its own Thing. This hat that I made with my own hands, that I kept working on until my hands began to hurt. $7.50 per hour. That is less than minimum wage."

For those who speak of unschooling as if it is some kind of un-parenting:
"Some kind of learning is happening all the time - but not all learning is good. Learning how to sneak food, learning that parents can't be trusted and counted on, learning to think of oneself in negative ways, all sad. Learning that life is boring, hard work, sucks, hurts, is unfair, also sad... Human brains are voracious and will feed on whatever is available - unschoolers should be offering interesting experiences, ideas, stimulation, music, logic, conversation, images, movement, discovery, beauty, etc. Brain food in abundance. It requires effort. It requires attention to qualitative and quantitative aspects of learning. Depth and breadth - creating a lifestyle in which kids are offered the opportunity to learn a lot about some things and a little about a lot of things." - Pam Sorooshian

Following my own advice...?

2011-12-09T12:29:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of November I posted a commentary on Tumblr in response to a comment someone else made about Community and the group's relationship with Pierce. It went a little something like this:

"...a person who engages in social justice writing and/or critical thinking about race/gender/sexism/whathaveyou can’t associate with or be friends with people who have problematic views? I missed that meeting!

But seriously… if I surrounded myself in some bubble universe where I cut out all people with shitty ways of thinking, I’d have a very small pool of people left and I doubt I’d do much good in the world when sharing my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Preaching to choir can be super good for morale, but it’s not for everybody..."

On TV, Pierce's ignorance & slow pace of personal growth is funny; In real life, however, people like that make me want to stab myself in the eye w/a pencil.

And now I've found myself in a weird position - I am the friend of a friend of some REALLY problematic people. They've done and said some pretty racist shit and I've written publicly about how much their behavior has upset me... but I also live in a really small town where there are only so many bars and places to hang out and everybody knows everybody and unless I never leave the house, my life will intertwine with the lives of people whose behavior I vehemently disagree with. My internal dialogue has been going a mile a minute all fucking morning, trying to reconcile these dual positions: Do I not associate with problematic people as a matter of principle or do I find a way to be ok with associating with them and hope that I can do some good by just being me and possibly introducing them to alternate ways of thinking? I'm feeling conflicted, naturally.

all black all the time

2011-12-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm on a bit of a self-imposed break from buying new clothes. For the first time in my life I actually seem to own all the necessary items to be dressed weather appropriately! It's shocking, I know. I even have a proper winter coat, though I don't feel totally comfortable when wearing it, as the shape of it is very 80's. It reminds me of winter coats my mom had when I was little and I can't decide if I feel fashion-y or shabby in it. I am still trying to let it grow on me. Even if it never does, I got it on sale last year and it's not like we have super harsh winters that require me to wear it for months on end. It comes out of the closet maybe half a dozen times each year.

I've also stocked up on my basic leggings and have a mix of good sweaters and vests that can be layered over the rest of my clothes... so far, so warm. I recently bought a new pair of boots to get me through the winter and on an impulse, I bought a floppy wool hat (my last two purchases before I instated the buying-ban). I haven't worn a hat as a fashion accessory since I was 12 and rocked a denim Blossom-esque hat with the big flower on the front! I still feel a bit weird when I wear it, but I've gotten compliments and it really is quite warm and cute.

I find that with my new short hair, every sartorial choice translates a little differently than when my hair was longer. I'm sure it's not on anyone's radar but my own, but I'm the one walking around in my body and am aware of how it all feels... and also, I think too much.

crochet back vest & plain black tights - Walmart
sequin front sweater - Old Navy
stretchy mini skirt - Target
boots - Jessica London
purse & assorted bracelets - Forever 21
FAT necklace - Fancy Lady Industries

hat - The Gap
top - Walmart
sweater - Target
leggings - Old Navy
scarf & purse - Forever21
boots - Jessica London
necklace - The Clothes Horse in PT

pulp and circumstance.

2011-12-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we got to help press apples for cider out at Seth's parents home. After not having helped out since October of 2009, we still remembered the basics. It's kind of like riding a bike, in that way.

First you wash the apples.

Then you rinse them.

Then you slice the ones that are too large to fit through the grinder.

Grind up on it.

Once your bucket is full you twist, twist, twist the juice right out of it.

NOM. I won't deny that I came over here with a cup on more than one occasion to get a few gulps straight from the press.

Then you strain it into jugs - some for fermenting into hard cider, and some for drinking right away.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Get out of your head and into my car.

2011-11-30T12:29:00.000-08:00

November of 2011 is going to go down in my personal history as a trying and painful month. There have been good bits, for sure, but I've spent a significant portion of it turned inward, emotionally.

I've had a lot of tooth pain and ended up visiting the ER a couple weeks back, have taken a lot of painkillers, and made phone calls about dental work that I didn't want to make. I scheduled an exam at a dental office in Bremerton that I was referred to because of their sliding-scale fee system, but was getting some pretty negative gut feelings about the whole thing; thankfully I decided to cancel the appointment and worked something else out. I'll be going to my old dentist (who I haven't been to since leaving Safeway and my insurance plan over two years ago) in 2 weeks so that they can do some x-rays and compile the inevitable list of things that need to be done up in there in order of priority. I'm sure I'll be losing a couple of teeth and I'm trying not to stress out about it, which is easier said than done, for sure. It is what it is. When you're not rolling in the money, basic dental work is a luxury. Sad, but true.

Thankfully, the positive things that have happened in the last few weeks have been uplifting and rejuvenating! I helped Anna with her holiday window display again this year and we had a decent amount of fun flexing our creative muscles. We took wrapping paper and ripped and crumpled the living crap out of it, decoupaged it onto an old dinghy, and filled it with presents! It turned out beautifully, as her windows always do, and I'm so glad I got to help out.

And of course, Thanksgiving dinner was a lovely affair. I am so very grateful that even though my own family hasn't invited me home for Thanksgiving in who knows how long, that Seth's family welcomes me to their table time and time again. The meal was epic (of course), the conversation amusing, and the overall atmosphere warm and enjoyable. I brought my baked Parmesan Mac & Cheese and Pineapple Poppy-seed Coleslaw!

Phase one of my holiday-decorating-spree has been completed! I'm skipping a tree this year, because of our mischievous kitten, but am making up for it in extra paper chains & snowflakes. I want to also do lights outside, but am psyching myself out about climbing up the ladder. I'd love to do the whole gingerbread house type thing, since the lines of our house are vaguely cottage-y, but I'm doubting I have that much bravery in me. I'll probably stick to spots I can reach from the shorter step-ladder. I R WIMP.

And this is the part of my month that was the hardest... saying goodbye to a dear and cherished friend. Whitney and her family made the decision to move back to Texas and in a matter of weeks were packed up and gone.

Nobody warns you that making friends as an adult can be incredibly difficult... making a bosom friend who is a true kindred spirit is harder still. I'm reeling from the loneliness and shock, while also reminding myself that this is a positive thing for them and that the world does not revolve around me and my nauseating roller-coaster of feelings. We spent a lot of time together in those last couple of weeks - laughing and crying and hugging and laughing some more. In this day and age, moving a couple thousand miles away doesn't mean losing contact; I know that, but the face to face bond was something I had been needing in my life for a long time and now that aspect has been taken away. So, as I said before, I've turned inward quite a bit.

Naturally, I placed a craigslist ad, the ultimate sign of desperation, and have only gotten one response... and of course, that response was from someone who lives two hours away, thus not fulfilling the need I was placing the ad for in the first place. Selfpityville: population 1. Ok, getting over it, moving on... SNIFFSNIFFSOBCHOKE

Seth and I are attending another young professional mixer thingy tonight, so that should be enjoyable and somewhat amusing. Fake it 'till you make it, y'know.

Stocking Stuffers like whoa.

2011-11-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is upon us and I've put together 3 different stocking-stuffer sets of dryer sachets in adorable winter/holiday themed flannels, as well as a bulk listing where you can purchase all 3 sets at a discount! They come pre-packaged with instructions and ready to gift and are $1 cheaper than my regular sets (the listing where you get all 3 sets is another $2 off)!

Seriously, though... how cute are these prints? And only $6.95 for a set of 3 (normally $7.95)!

Snowflakes and penguins and general wintery sweetness!

MOAR SNOWFLAKES!!

All wrapped up and ready to go into a stocking! Take advantage of this limited time awesomeness! And don't forget to "like" the shop on Facebook for access to giveaways, discounts, and stuff of that nature.

Yup. She is a kitten.

2011-11-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

Going to find a space inside to laugh, separate the wheat from the chaff.

2011-11-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

The girl who cuts my hair saw this coming the second I sat down in her chair with the side of my head shaved and said, "So... I did this last week. What should we do with the rest of it to make it work? Heh." That was over 6 months ago, yet she knew that the time was coming for me to request that all of my hair be chopped short again. I wasn't so quick on the uptake, however.

It was only a couple of weeks ago when I realized that after spending almost 3 years in the pursuit of long hair that having long hair was really anti-climactic, personally. Sure, I went through a period of putting it up in messy buns or a top-knot and having my bangs thick and full, which was really quite pretty and fun! Unfortunately, I threw those options out the window the second I impulsively shaved the side. I made it six months, though, and for that I feel that I've confirmed that I do, indeed, have patience! Honestly, that's part of what growing my hair out was about anyway - to prove that I could.

And now... it is VERY short and I'm loving it. I can see my face again! When I get dolled up in full make-up, I feel more femme than I did most of the time that my hair was past my shoulders. I wasn't expecting that. I also feel like I've symbolically shed some emotional weight. I'm not sure there were specific issues I let go of, but I just feel a bit less... mired. I feel ready to really hunker down and settle in this Winter.

Shiny happy people holding hands or whatever.

2011-11-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

On this day last year, I was all in a tizzy about how I felt our Halloween traditions and rituals weren't enough and that we needed to be more festive. Now I'm calling my own bullshit.

No... our traditions are perfectly fine for who we are and what we want. We aren't the apple-picking or pumpkin-carving type and I'm finally accepting it. It's not the we don't have our own Fall traditions - we do. They just don't fit into some stylized ideal of middle-class stuff white people on uppers like. They involve home-made costumes and attending the downtown parade and not going trick-or-treat OR having trick-or-treaters on our street and making salmon cakes for dinner that are made to look like jack-o-lanterns and that's completely fine by me.

They seem to be fine with it too.

Never before has a photo so accurately summed up our mother/son relationship.

Fish fingers and custard.

Expected traditions BE DAMNED, we're doing our own thing and loving it. No reason to over-analyze it.

Black-face, sugar skulls, and Pocahontas.

2011-10-31T09:41:00.000-07:00

I just knew there was going to be lots of racist and appropriative BS at the Halloween dance party we went to (at the bar in town that is divey, but not dirty). I KNEW it. I was 100% sure of it, because nothing brings out the assholes like $1 PBR and dancing... which bums me out, since PBR and dancing are some of my favorite things.

I tried to prepare myself. I told myself to expect assy costumes, but that me being drunk and dancey was not going to be the right situation to call people on their fuckery. They wouldn’t get the point and I wasn't going to be in a clear frame of mind to make a coherent one anyway. This is the nature of going out in public EVER… witnessing fuckery. I know, I have no sense of humor and I'm just a bitter feminazi who worries too much about things and blah blah blah, but seriously... it's just common sense NOT to dress in blackface. I only started reading up on issues of race and appropriation in the last couple of years, but before being aware of some of the more nuanced acts of racism (which are often institutionalized and not intentional, though NO LESS wrong), I knew well enough not to dress up in blackface. That's an asshole move, simple as. Apparently the guy dressed up as a "southern evangelist" didn't get the memo. Neither did the slutty Pocahontas. Guh.

So hindsight being 20/20, we should have gone to the Coen Brothers themed Halloween bash at the pretentious bar. At least there was a theme that left less room for random fuckery, which maybe would have resulted in me feeling a bit less... stabby. Our costumes wouldn't have worked, but maybe next year we can plan further ahead. I changed my costume a few days before the party and Seth wasn't even going to dress up originally and decided to re-wear his Jesus costume the day of.

Gothy Unicorn serious business, Jesus loves kittens, Pirates are fancy, and Prospectors are grizzled.

So yes, people are jerks, often not even meaning to be... but a little bit of critical thinking goes a long way. And frankly, I have an AMAZING sense of humor, seriously, I just don't find racist BS humorous. So excuuuuuse me. Also, it didn't help that the "dj" wasn't very good. First off, she just made a playlist. BORING. Secondly, even Seth said he was a bit disappointed she didn't play more dubstep. Yah. So that tells you how bad it was.

Cat drama, we can has it!

2011-10-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

48 hours ago our home was in turmoil. There was a lot of hissing and growling and aggressive displays of anger from Charlotte Charles (aka Chuck) who has been with us for about 15 months, filling the spot of only-cat-in-the-house. You see, we had the nerve of adding a new little furball to the mix, Pandora Moon (known as Panda to her closest friends). Really, how very dare we.

Our mellow attention-whore of a cat turned into a scratching and spitting tyrant in about 30 seconds flat. Frankly, I was a bit scared at first. In the entire time she'd been with us, I had heard her hiss ONCE and had never witnessed her scratching one of us on purpose, so to see such acts of wildness and aggression from her was unsettling. I did some reading and from what I could tell, this was pretty normal. I consulted the endless pools of wisdom known as tumblr and facebook friends, and tried to calm down about the whole thing.

As directed by the people I sought advice from:

We bathed the kitten.
We rubbed her down with a towel and put the towel covered in her scent out in the main house with Chuck.
We kept the kitten in a separate room, but brought her out in the kitty-carrier so that Chuck could sniff her without harming her.
We started bringing Panda out for short periods of time so that Chuck could get used to her presence.

Apparently it worked, because we were able to let Panda roam around the house freely last night, rather than closing her into the bathroom! Chuck is still hissing at her pretty consistently, but is starting to accept that she isn't going anywhere.

Of course, Charlotte still rules the roost, which she has made perfectly clear to the kitten. Thankfully, she hasn't even had to scratch her to get the point across... though she did scratch Seth on the hand at one point. Inevitable friendly fire. Or maybe not so friendly, since he betrayed her so deeply by adopting another cat. The insensitivity of it all!!

They're learning to deal. Pandora wants desperately to be BFF and Charlotte wants desperately to be the only-kitty again, but at least they can be in the same room, mere feet from each other, without fur flying. Baby steps.

And for those of you who are curious - yes, both of our cats are named after TV characters. Pandora Moon & Charlotte Charles.

brand loyalty, Jasie style.

2011-10-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

I generally have a Ron Swanson-esque approach to endorsements: "I won't publicly endorse a product unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it. My only official recommendations are US Army issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence fine two inch style oscillating knife blade." Except in my case, replace the mustache trimmer with Burt's Bees Peppermint Chapstick, the salt with Mexican Coca Cola, and the knife with Daisy Cakes Soap on Etsy. I've used her solid perfume pots exclusively for the past 2 years or so and seriously, I swear by them.

From the item description: "The base of the perfume is made from fresh shea butter, olive oil and beeswax, so it is skin-loving and moisturizing. Our perfume is an ideal medium for fragrance and essential oil--it keeps the scent close while remaining skin-safe with a non-greasy feeling." The scents run the gamut from Amber or Vanilla to Patchouli Orange, Sugar Plum, and Green Tea (those last 3 being some of my personal favorites). I usually buy 3-4 pots at a time, which will last me about 3 months. I use it everyday after I get out of the shower on my inner ankles, wrists, and cleavage. It doesn't take much! She has even started offering a bulk order of 8 pots at a time, which not only saves me money, but makes it so I don't have to order as often. I also order her bar soaps on occasion (for Seth, mostly), which are, of course, all natural and amazing-smelling!! So if you want to spend your money wisely, use a quality product, and support an artisan soap maker, try out Daisy Cakes Soap.

Treat yo' self!

2011-10-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

If I don't take care of myself, I become a total and complete mess. Plain and simple. Especially if I'm heavily scheduled for a few days in a row. This weekend was one of those heavily scheduled times and as soon as the to-do list was complete and I was sitting still, it became clear to me that I needed to pamper myself, and quickly.

The first course of action, for me, is food. Good food makes my tummy happy, my blood sugar even-keeled, and my brain relaxed. So I bought my first half gallon of eggnog for the season (which is AMAZING in coffee, just so you know) and I ate some tasty leftover chinese food and I had some fancy greek yogurt and I added zucchini to my usually uneventful lasagna recipe and I branched out and tried a bowl of cucumber italian ice. Simple acts, but they can make all the difference.

Second course of action is improving my mood. There are two strategies I use consistently for this:

reading L.M. Montgomery books. I own all 8 of the Anne books and also have a couple of the Avonlea books. The characters, the detailed descriptions of glens and brooks and kitchens and cobblers, the romanticism of it all. It makes me want to name my home, as if it were a cottage on PEI in the 1880's (and trust me, I've been working on a name for the place since we moved in). It's like a salve to my soul, reminding me that there is beauty in the world... and in people.
Watching Beyonce videos. Seriously, though. The costumes, her excellent face, the songs... it's like instant therapy.

Anne Shirley and Beyonce are my girls. Gil is sweet and all, but I'm all about Anne-girl. Big time.

My third course of action involves pampering myself. Plucking my eyebrows, painting my nails, doing a pore cleansing strip, etc. Not because society expects it of me or because it makes me more acceptable, but because I dig being a femme. Plucking is relaxing and primping in general is extremely fun for me. If I don't pull a look together, I don't feel "together" at all. And if I'm not "together", I'm pretty sure I'm falling apart.

Contents: 3 videos, 3 links

2011-10-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a day for sharing. After all, sharing is caring.

Pretty.

Peel some garlic in 10 seconds. Whoa.

How NBC Sold Out Its Female Viewers with Whitney by Sady Doyle
"For several years, feminists — who routinely see their values dismissed and/or ignored in favor of the regressive mommy-victim-or-whore characterizations of women that still dominate most TV — have had a reliable source of pleasure in NBC’s Thursday night line up. For a time, the network was running a block of shows that all featured vocally feminist protagonists: Community, Parksand Recreation, and 30 Rock. Even The Office could still coast a bit on the goodwill afforded to the delightful Mindy Kaling. We could pick and choose our favorites. We could debate the pros and cons of cynical, flustered forever-alone feminist Liz Lemon versus optimistic, bubbly forever-alone feminist Leslie Knope. I did, with some enthusiasm, until I met Britta Perry from Community and realized that this goofy sitcom with zombies and Claymation episodes actually had the most fully rounded, human feminist character — principled and shallow, pure of heart and poor of judgment, unrepentant hipster and full-on dork, tough and vulnerable, privileged and struggling, and (what really set her apart from the Lemons and Knopes) in possession of an active, casual sex life, which she controlled..."

Your Vagina is a Tomato: Three Ways to Maintain Healthy Vaginal pH and Avoid Vaginitis by Amber Parker
"One of the less obvious ways we create imbalances in the vaginal ecosystem is pretty simple: soap. It’s so ingrained in our collective consciousness that the vagina is dirty and needs to be cleansed with bar or liquid soaps every day, that most of us never stop to consider if it’s really necessary. What isn’t common knowledge is that the vagina is a self-cleaning oven- It doesn’t need soap, douche, or powder to smell good and stay balanced and healthy. Once upon a time douche was popular, and although it’s still sold over the counter, it’s pretty common knowledge today that it’s bad for you."

Open Letter to That 53% Guy by Max Udargo
"So, if you think being a liberal means that I don’t value hard work or a strong work ethic, you’re wrong. I think everyone appreciates the industry and dedication a person like you displays. I’m sure you’re a great employee, and if you have entrepreneurial ambitions, I’m sure these qualities will serve you there too. I’ll wish you the best of luck, even though a guy like you will probably need luck less than most. I understand your pride in what you’ve accomplished, but I want to ask you something. Do you really want the bar set this high? Do you really want to live in a society where just getting by requires a person to hold down two jobs and work 60 to 70 hours a week? Is that your idea of the American Dream?"

A bundle of fabric pieces and a ball of nerves.

2011-10-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Anna narrowly beat me to it posting about last night. I am deeply, deeply ashamed of my own slowness. Please forgive me this horrible misstep. Please. I beg of you...

Now that I have grovelled an acceptable amount, I'm going to share my own personal feeeelings about teaching a hand-sewing workshop at a motherfucking ART GALLERY. Pinch me, seriously.

Basically, I was a total mess all of yesterday morning and afternoon. I was going back and forth between crying and freaking out and over-planning and then over-planning some more and then crying again. It wasn't pretty. I've never taught a class on anything before and public speaking in general makes me want to run for the hills, but Anna asked me a couple of months ago if I'd be interested in teaching a series of workshops in the Fall/Winter and it sounded like a really amazing opportunity. I couldn't pass something like that up. Not only would it help me grow my business, but it would give me some much needed exposure in the community, which is invaluable here. This is an arts-centric town and any amount of networking that an artist can do is a really good thing. So I networked. I met new people and I demonstrated stitches and I drank too much champagne and had an amazing time with a really diverse and lovely group of local women.

I set up kits for each of the participants that held the supplies for making 3 separate patchwork bookmarks, the pattern of which is part of an ongoing project I've had knocking around in my brain for awhile now. I set up each spot with the supply kit, an instruction sheet for 3 different basic stitches, and then I nervously watched the whole thing unfold.

And I realized that I was psyching myself up about nothing. The flow of class went smoothly and naturally and in the end, it went off without a single hitch. Everyone was laughing and gabbing and sipping and stitching and seemed to be enjoying themselves! My fears were so unfounded.

This class was the first chunk of a 3-part series of hand-sewing classes, so if you are local and are interested in joining in, please let Anna know. The first group was small, since we didn't publicize it too heavily, as this was a bit of a test run for both my teaching and for hosting a class at the gallery in general, but the next two classes should have a lot more slots so that more people have a chance to be a part of the fun.

Autumn Shmautum.

2011-10-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that Fall is made for skirts and scarves and boots. I've been craving coziness and being bundled up and feeling wind on my face.

cardigan & boots - Old Navy
top - Fashion Bug
skirt - Target
scarf, purse, assorted jewelry - Forever 21

I was totally inspired by this outfit that came up on my Tumblr dash. I originally tried it on with a different cardigan and different shoes and it didn't feel right. Once I got this combo sorted, it all came together and I felt kind of badass all day.

About my hair, though... I think I'm officially over the shaved bit. I've got no idea how to make sense of growing it out, short of taking the whole thing into a super short pixie cut and then waiting, waiting, waiting (much like Leah has done, that brave, brave girl). That sounds traumatic to me. I've had short hair most of my teen & adult life, and so growing it out this long has felt like quite the accomplishment. It's scary to think about cancelling that out, but I also don't feel super attached to my hair and starting over would be kind of exciting. I just don't know.

Friday, Friday, gotta get fed on Friday.

2011-10-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

Alas, the week of meal-planning is over (hardly, though, since I plan our meals out EVERY week), but it was a delicious ride. The food may be simple, the ingredients may be plain, but I never walked away from the dinner table unsatisfied this week. Things were filling and tasty, and every member of the family actually enjoyed every individual meal, which is good enough for me.

Last night we finished up the chili and shared quesadillas - one with colby-jack and salsa, the other with cheddar and olives. Quesadillas are so simple to make. All you need is a skillet large enough to fit a flour tortilla, stuff to put inside, and a pizza cutter. I use a round plate, roughly the same size as the tortilla, to flip it over in the pan. I would have gotten pictures or video of that part, but... well, it was Friday night and I had to get Silas fed in time to go to his dad's and I was tired and ready for the weekend to start. Simple as.

Thanks for tuning in on this little experiment. Now go fold some soft tacos, dammit!

I bet Thor liked Chili.

2011-10-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

I used to call this recipe Taco Soup, but last time I made it, Silas declared that he hates taco soup. Then he brought it up 3 or 4 more times that he hates taco soup. This saddened me, since it's one of my personal favorites and it's fairly cheap and easy to make. I decided to try making it again, but to refer to it as "chili"... next thing I know, he likes it again. I can live with that.

So from here on out, my taco soup is now called Chili. It's loosely based on something my mom makes, but my version is vegetarian and has a few other tweaks.

What you'll need:

3 cans black beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can garbanzo beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can red kidney beans (drained and rinsed)
1 can golden sweet corn (with liquid)
2 cans diced tomatoes (with liquid)
1 can ranch beans (with sauce)
1 can diced green chilis
red or yellow onion (anywhere from 1/2 to a whole onion)
pepper & taco seasoning to taste
1 cup of rice, cooked according to this method (don't add to the chili until about 10 minutes before serving)

I start with the cans that don't need their liquid drained off: the corn, tomatoes, and ranch beans (this picture should also have the green chilis in it, but I forgot them and didn't factor them into the original cost of the 5 meals. I grabbed those and a yellow onion at QFC yesterday afternoon. The cost of the two items was $2.34. This puts our weeks total at $37.79, still under $40). Then I drained and rinsed all of the canned beans and added them in. I put the crockpot on high for an hour to get things going.

After the hour was up, I added 1/2 of the yellow onion, diced fairly finely, and started seasoning. Then I stirred it up and set the crockpot on low for a few hours and went out and about for the day. When we came back home, the house smelled UH MAY ZING. It was in there for about 6 hours altogether.

Sprinkle a tiny bit of cheese on top (a little goes a long way and you don't want your bowl to be a big melty mess) and a dollop of sour cream. I serve it with tortilla chips. In fact, I don't even really use my spoon when I eat it; I just scoop with the chips!

The above picture shows how much was left after dinner. Yah, that's a lot of chili. I always make too much (I kind of have to if I want the ratio of black beans to the rest of the beans to be how I like it) and if I were cooking for a family of 5 or 6 people, it'd probably be just the right amount. The cottage cheese container is for leftovers for us, the small container underneath it is Seth's lunch at work on Friday, and I'm in the process of trying to pawn the large container off on some friends. PLEASE HELP EAT MY CHILI, YOU GUISE.

Nacho nacho man, Wednesday wants to be a NACHO MAN!

2011-10-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

As I've been chugging along on this series, I've been getting a lot of feedback through facebook and twitter and tumblr. One friend proclaimed that it's "genius how we're seeing leftover odds and ends resurface in new meals and dishes", which made me chuckle, considering that it's got a lot less to do with genius and a lot more to do with my reusable storage container drawer. I have no reason NOT to save odds and ends and reuse them. Also, it doesn't hurt that my Grandma Dorothy had a significant hand in raising me and she had lived through the depression (born in 1910).

This drawer has got everything from tupperware to ikea to old cottage cheese and sour cream containers. If you ever have dinner at my house and want to take home a doggy bag, I've got you covered. I've written about my organizational habits before, but I figured that showing you the actual drawer I speak of would be a handy visual tool.

Ok, now that I'm done showing you my drawers (scandalous!), let's explore the actual meal - Nachos.

I'm a bit anal retentive in the way that I lay out my chips. I've got a couple of rules:

Avoid empty spaces where cheese will melt onto the plate as much as possible.
No broken chips (this only really goes for my plate. The boys don't give a rip if they have broken chips).
Avoid too much overlap so that there aren't chips on the bottom that come out with nothing on them.

It may be a bit over the top, but I've been making nachos this way since I was 14 and all of these little nit-picking details come second nature to me.

Now this is where I have to admit that I cheated a wee bit. I only bought mild cheddar over the weekend to factor in to the cost of the 5 meals, but I never have just one kind of cheese in the fridge and I NEVER use just one kind of cheese on nachos. A bag of grated colby-jack and some sharp cheddar definitely made an appearance here. Forgive me.

Once I had my chips laid out, I did a thin sprinkling of the mild cheddar, then a thin sprinkling of colby-jack. On top of that I used the last of the seasoned ground beef/black bean mixture, and then topped the whole thing with a little bit of sharp cheddar.

With the cheese, meat, and beans in place, I popped each one in the microwave for anywhere from 1 to 2 minutes, checking every 30 seconds. I hate when there are bits of cheese that aren't melted, but having it over-melt and get crunchy is just as bad. This is an art, you guys. An art.

Once I've got it all melty and hot, I start piling on my cold ingredients. I used salsa, the last of the pico, olives, sour cream, and the last of the lettuce (which wasn't much and basically ended up being more of a garnish than an ingredient). The green onions had gotten wilty (single tear), so they didn't factor in.

Check that shit out, yo. Big Time Noms.

Tuesday's Child is wrapped in a tortilla, natch.

2011-10-05T15:39:00.000-07:00

Beef Soft Tacos... Jasie style. Here's what I used:

3 soft flour tortillas
2 green onions
a bit of lettuce
a few spoonfuls of picante salsa
2 tbsp pico de gallo per soft taco
1 tbsp sour cream per soft taco
cheddar cheese
rinsed and drained black beans
seasoned ground beef leftover from Monday night

You could also add sliced tomato, olives, red onions, avocado, or anything else you can come up with! Sometimes I use refried beans instead of whole or shredded chicken instead of ground beef. All of the meals I'm making this week could easily be customized with whatever is on sale, in your fridge, or to your specific family's liking!

My "mexican" cuisine is more Taco Time-esque than authentic, which I'm okay with. My first real job was at the aforementioned fast food eatery. I started the summer I turned 18 and in the year that I worked there I did pretty much every task there is to do: fry cook, line cook, prep cook, drive-thru, etc. Our franchise even had an espresso machine and served lattes and mochas and frappe type concoctions! That was where I first honed my coffee-making skills and it's also where I learned to fold a soft taco.

good good, fresh fresh, Monday night!

2011-10-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

Produce isn't forever, so when I do a week of dinners that involves very much of it, I try and throw the majority of the fresh stuff into the first few meals of the week. It's good to eat things before they go bad, y'know. In this case, that meant EPIC TACO SALAD. Ok, so maybe not epic, but tasty, for sure! And something the whole family likes, which is a rare bonus for us.

I went ahead and threw the entire package of ground beef into the skillet and browned it up. I had plenty of spices on hand... and I realize that not everyone does - When Silas was a baby, my ex-husband and I lived off $180 a week for about 10 months while he was jobless and collecting unemployment. Trust me, we didn't keep pink salt, cumin, or coriander around just for kicks.

When I brown meat for Mexican food, I use McCormick taco seasoning (bought in a giant container at Costco that lasts me AGES), cayenne pepper, and regular black pepper. I drained the beef and set aside what I needed for the taco salads; the rest went into the fridge for Tuesday or Wednesdays dinner.

I cut up about 1/2 of the head of iceburg lettuce, rinsed it, and divided it into three bowls. Then I spooned some pico de gallo, salsa, and sour cream into each bowl. Then came the green onions, grated cheese, and seasoned ground beef. I don't like guacamole or avocado in general, but if I'd been feeling extra generous, I would have bought some and thrown that in with Seth's and maybe a little on Silas'. I just didn't think of it, so all of these meals will be lacking in guac.

Stir that sucker up and serve it with tortilla chips. My favorite are the yellow corn rounds! Some tortilla chip brands have all sorts of odd ingredients, but the Mission ones aren't high in sodium and have just FOUR ingredients. I can get on board with that. Plus, they're NOM.

don't feed the animals

2011-10-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Now, let me get this one thing out of the way nice and early in the post - We do about 3/4 of our grocery shopping at Walmart. If you have major issues with that and are diametrically opposed to buying anything at Walmart ever and you feel compelled to send me an email about their business practices or voting with my dollars or what-have-you, you may just want to walk away now and stop reading this post. I've got a family that I have to feed on a single income and I live in a small and isolated town where many of our local stores are prohibitively expensive. "Voting with your dollars" is a privilege and not a requirement for being a decent human being. I consider that viewpoint incredibly classist.

I recently reblogged an AMAZING Anthony Bourdain quote on Tumblr and the way my friend Meghan replied pretty much summed up my feelings: "Here’s how I am with the organic thing: if you can afford it, buy it. More buyers = cheaper access eventually. If you can’t afford it, fucking feed your family the best you can..." So there you go. I will continue to shop at Walmart if I can buy a can of beans for 1/3 what I'd pay for the exact same brand, size, etc at QFC. And you couldn't pay me to set foot in Safeway again, so don't even go there, girlfran.

Now that we have that out of the way, about two years ago, I did a series of posts about our meal-planning and food budgeting strategies - it's now horribly outdated and an inaccurate representation of how we feed our family. At the time, I was only two months out from quitting my soul-sucking job and we were still really new to living on only one income. My planning instincts got a little out of control and I tried to plan too far ahead for what actually worked for us in practice. I now know that one monthly shopping trip isn't feasible for how we cook and eat (weekly is our jam). I have also since changed my stance on some pre-packaged easy foods. Not from a moral or philosophical standpoint (these foods are an important source of calories for many people without extra time, space, or equipment to cook "from scratch" and/or those living in food deserts), but because of my blood pressure and needing to cut back on my salt intake. Pre-packaged box mixes = SODIUM LIKE WHOA.

Basically, it's time for a major update. I keep seeing people talk about food prices going UP UP UP and it sucks. It sucks big time. We haven't felt it much here, and I don't know if that's because our region has leveled out, or because of how we shop, or if it's been so gradual I haven't noticed or what. I just know that sharing how we shop now may help other families figure out what to eat and how to get it affordably.

VOILA! As you can see, it's Mexican food week.

These are the ingredients for all 5 of our dinners this week. Between 3 different stores (yes, 2 of them are in the next town over, which is 30 miles away. If I'm going out there anyway to pick Silas up from his dad's, I see no reason why shopping there wouldn't also be a good use of the mileage), this table full of food cost us $35.45. That's $7.09 a night. Divide that between three people and you've got each of us eating a balanced meal for $2.36 each night. This week I'm going to be documenting how I make that work, so stay tuned.

The run-down:

From Sunny Farms Country Store in Sequim, WA

1 1/2 lbs of local ground beef - $6.14
a head of iceburg lettuce - $1.29
a bunch of green onions - $0.59
2 vine ripe tomatoes - $0.23

From QFC in Port Townsend, WA

a small tub of pico de gallo - $4.99

From Walmart Superstore in Sequim, WA

a jar of salsa - $1.98
a bag of shredded cheddar - $2.38
2 cans of no salt added diced tomatoes - $0.68 each
low sodium kidney beans - $0.92
Mexican style sour cream - $1.92
a bag of tortilla chips - $2.98
8 flour tortillas - $2.67
garbanzo beans - $0.94
no salt added canned corn - $0.68
4 cans of low sodium, black beans - $0.92 each
2 cans of sliced olives - $0.98 each
1 can of ranch beans - $0.74

Let's do this thing.

Monday!
Tuesday!
Wednesday!
Thursday!
Friday!

The Oregon Chautauqua

2011-09-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

Is it a vacation, a retreat, a camp, or a conference? Yes. Well, yes and no. A lot of it depends on you and what you're looking for in the experience. I can only tell you what it is to me: It's a week by the beach where I am joined by other families with similar life philosophies. We share cabins and sleep in bunks and cook and clean and eat meals together. We play and relax and converse and make things together.

In one day I can eat breakfast at a table with three people I know well, one person I just met, and two people who I haven't had a chance to connect with yet... then spend an hour alone on the beach with a good book... then take my sewing bag out on to the deck of the lodge and listen to Joe play Billy Joel songs on his guitar while I work... then fix some lunch for Silas and myself while he plays legos with a group of kids he's gotten to be pretty good friends with... then attend a nail painting workshop... then go for a walk in the woods... then report to the kitchen to help dice green peppers and mince garlic for dinner... then eat at a table full of completely different people than who I ate breakfast with (or the exact same people, 100% up to me)... then help Silas set up for the dance party he's hosting and take pictures of the kids boogying down... then share a bottle of wine and play a board game with friends... then hike up to the cabin to have a little bit of quiet time and put myself to bed while Silas parties on (he's chosen to come up with our cabin mates when they retire). It is what you make of it. The next day could be totally different or almost exactly the same.

For $200ish per person (and signing up for the required 4 total jobs for adults 15+/3 total jobs for kids 9-14), you get a 5 day vacation on the Oregon Coast. Your breakfast and dinner are prepared for you each day (you take care of your own lunches and snacks, but have full access to the commercial kitchen), you have a cozy cabin to sleep in, and the lodge is about 50 yards away from the beach. You've got clean bathrooms and hot showers and plenty of room on the private island to strike out and do your own thing. You can play disc golf (there is a full course at the camp), go tide-pooling by moonlight, perform a song you wrote in the talent show, drink a glass of wine out on the deck, learn how to hula-hoop or make rope bracelets or taste fermented foods or participate in a chess tournament. IT IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

So yes, it is a family vacation... also a retreat... most definitely a camp... but it kind of is a conference, though it's more laid-back, for sure. Maybe it's more of an "un-conference" in the way that you get to learn new things and be yourself and watch your children be themselves in a supportive and understanding community of like-minded people. Basically, it's amazing. I have made invaluable friendships there that have tapped me into some wonderful unschooling communities and the connections Silas has made there each year are something that will be with him his whole life.

Not all "fat girl clothes" from Walmart suck.

2011-09-20T10:34:00.001-07:00

Shopping for clothes for a fat body can be hard. I'm technically an inbetweenie in most Fat Acceptance circles, since I wear approximately a size 18/20, yet my BMI puts me in the deathfat category. So basically, I'm very round. Lots of roundness happening up in here. Shopping to fit roundness can be tricky. I can buy clothes from the plus-size rack in many straight-size stores, sometimes even in the Juniors Plus, but it's really hit and miss most of the time. Old Navy is a good staple for basics and I occasionally find awesome things at Target (I recently found a plus-size maternity shirt there that is perfect for my body), but I tend to forget about Walmart... that is, until I walk past a rack that just happens to have something that I would totally wear.

Both the top and the vest are from Walmart, believe it or not. You're not going to find amazing shapes or statement pieces, but for basic blacks that can be mixed and matched, you may be surprised how many options there are!

This crochet-back vest was under $10. I wear it once or twice a week and it's held up perfectly fine after multiple washings (the bottom of the arm-hole comes up into my arm-pit, otherwise I'd only spot wash it).

The top was also under $10 and has a decent neckline (I have to alter most of the shirts I buy because I have a very short top-of-shoulder-to-armpit distance, which makes the majority of shirts WAY too low-cut on me), a banded bottom, and a pleasing weight (not tissue thin, but not heavy and bulky). Walmart clothes can be surprisingly awesome! You just have to know your style, know your body, and always have your eyes open for random pieces that jive with you!

Top & Vest - WALMART
Leggings - OLD NAVY
Boots - TORRID
Purse - FOREVER21
Necklace - TARGET

dirty dishes and ground beef and unfolded towels... oh my!

2011-09-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I wasn't allowed to load the dishwasher. My mom had a really specific system of how she wanted it loaded and instead of teaching me that system, I was just forbidden to put things in the dishwasher. I would once in awhile, in an attempt to help out or because the sink was full or because I simply forgot (I was a really spacey kid), and when that would happen, I'd get a "talk" on why it needed to be done a certain way and how I was doing it wrong. I resented this for many years and felt like I'd never been taught how to do it her way and that maybe if she had taught me more of her systems for things that I might have had an easier time keeping house when I was a stay-at-home-mom the first time around. Thankfully she taught me the "proper" way to fold towels (a system I still use to this day and will gladly demonstrate for anyone who asks!), but knowing how to brown hamburger or cut an onion or load the dishwasher would have been pretty helpful.

Up until we moved into the house, I'd actually never had a dishwasher since living on my own. The first year that we were here, I avoided it like the plague. Because I felt like I didn't know how to properly use it, it made me anxious. So for an entire year I still did every dish by hand... slowly, but surely, Seth started coaxing me to use it and after a few times of having guests over and the sink piling up higher than usual, I acquiesced. At first I felt unsure, like I wasn't doing it right... then I felt lazy and guilty... then I started to like using the dishwasher. I figured it out on my own and it was pretty damn painless and easy. I never needed my mother to teach me how to load a dishwasher. I use it 3 or 4 times a week now and have for the past couple of months.

So, predictably, as I get older, I see that resentment over not being taught these things helps no one. Frankly, my son doesn't know how to do any of these things (yet), because it's never come up. If I want to be indignant about her failing me, then by the same standards, I'm failing Silas, which I really don't feel like I am in this regard. It's much like math or science or anything else we encounter in our unschooling life - when the time comes that Silas needs to learn how to do it, he will. I'll be there to help and facilitate and even teach, if that's what he needs of me and asks for. I mean, I now know how to brown hamburger and nobody died in the process of me learning. It all turned out.

This whole debacle came full circle last week when I went to put some dishes in the dishwasher and Seth had already put some in the night before and they were in there wrong... like, what does that even mean? But there she was, in the mirror... my mother. Fuck.

BANG!

2011-09-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

new blood in the water

2011-09-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I made a day-trip to North Seattle to say goodbye to Amber. She was one of the first people I met and befriended when I moved to Port Townsend in the Spring of 2006. She was working at a restaurant where I applied for job (we often went there for breakfast when Seth and I were first dating) and she noticed the pin on my lapel (The Smiths, natch) and we were destined to be friends.

There were periods when we weren't close (partially because of life and emotional stuff, partially because she moved to Seattle), but we've always found ways to get back in touch with each other and bond. And now... she is moving across the country to Boston. Heck, she's already there, settling into her new place and her new grad school and life on the east coast. It's surreal to not have her a ferry ride away, but her life is going amazingly and this move is a great thing for her (however sad it is for those of us who will miss having her around).

I got to spend a lovely day with her and her daughter - we ate some burgers at Dick's and gabbed and played at the park and gabbed some more and had some tea at a cozy little place in Ballard (where we gabbed). It was good times. She also let me rifle through her things (since she only took the barest of necessities to Boston with her) and I was able to take a few wonderful decor items off of her hands! Not only did it give her less to have to list on Craigslist, but it brought some much needed new prettiness into our home! Now I just need to paint more walls and my hunger for decor will be sated for a little while. So without further ado, I present Amber's stuff in my house!

One of these wonderful items was BUSINESS SHARK.

and an ornate chalkboard decal!

and a teeny turquoise Ikea table that matches all of our turquoise/teal stuff PERFECTLY.

and an awesome medical poster of the skeletal system.

and a framed Nicki McClure print.

and a string of giant chickens.

and bits of sick.

2011-09-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

At the moment that this post publishes I will be driving with Silas to the coast in my beloved beast of a car, to attend our 3rd year at The Oregon Unschoolers Chautauqua! I'll be gone until Friday night, so I shall leave you with the awesomest reading list ever compiled in the history of blogs. Enjoy! Well, I say, enjoy.

Deeply Embarrassed White People Talk Awkwardly About Race by Jen Graves - "Rather than thoughtfully discussing race," he writes, "Americans love to reduce racial politics to feelings and etiquette. It's the personal and dramatic aspects of race that obsess us, not the deeply rooted and currently active political inequalities. That's our predicament: Racial debate, in public and private, is trapped in the sinkhole of therapeutics."

Erykah Badu is planning on becoming a midwife at Radical Doula - "Badu, who provides all of her services for free, has since become a spokeswoman for the International Center for Traditional Childbearing and she is now aiming to get her professional certification so she can open birthing centers in inner cities in the future."

Giant logged long ago but not forgotten. - "I was eight years too late. Standing on the riverbank there atop another dead, hulking tree — a spruce also toppled by the river, Devine looks upstream and shakes his head, trying to imagine the immensity of the giant fir. The tallest trees on this section of the floor of the valley, where logging continues today on both walls, are well shy of 100 feet."

Why Lady Gaga's " Jo Calderone" is a welcome and interesting departure from the tradition of pop alter egos by Alyssa Rosenberg - "When pop stars come up with alter egos, they’re usually about kicking things up a notch. Sasha Fierce is meant to be an even more badass version of Beyonce. Slim Shady is a way for Eminem to work out abhorrent ideas. But Jo Calderone is actually a step down from Gaga’s high-level performance of femininity, a presentation that’s often so extreme that it verges (I think intentionally) into the grotesque. And it seems like Gaga’s using Calderone as an way to critique her day-to-day performance of Lady Gaga-ness, in particular the part of her VMA monologue..."

Back to (the wrong) school by Seth Godin -
"As we get ready for the 93rd year of universal public education, here’s the question every parent and taxpayer needs to wrestle with: Are we going to applaud, push or even permit our schools (including most of the private ones) to continue the safe but ultimately doomed strategy of churning out predictable, testable and mediocre factory-workers?"

How I Learned to Hate Transgender People by Cord Jefferson - "Repugnance is a common theme in the trans-people-as-jokes canon. But more prevalent is the element of deceit. Time and again in both comedic and dramatic films, transgender people are cast as deviant tricksters out to fool innocent victims into sleeping with them. This narrative plays upon two of America's deepest fears: sexual vulnerability and humiliation. Not only is your sex partner "lying" about their gender, victims who "fall for it" are then forced to grapple with the embarrassment of being had, of being seen as gay. Men "tricked" into sleeping with another man are embarrassed by the threat to their masculinity. So much culture has taught us that transgender people aren't just sexual aliens, they're also predatory liars."

Cyndi Lauper Opens Shelter for Homeless LGBT Youth!!

The Rough Magic of "Louie" at Salon.com - "Louis C.K., who shoots the show on location in New York with a tiny crew, is a stand-up comic, a writer and an actor, but he's also a skilled video editor and a photographer who has been known to spend long sections of his blog posts discussing the fine points of film stock and aperture settings. This is not a skill set that you find every day, and because the budgets are comparatively small -- about $150,000 per episode, or less than 10 percent of what Charlie Sheen used to earn for a single episode of "Two and a Half Men" -- the stakes are unusually low."

On Fat Hatred and Eliminationism by Melissa McEwan at Shakesville - "It's always nice to see wealthy people with access to the best food, comprehensive healthcare, personal trainers, private chefs, and individual nutritional plans put their names to a petition admonishing the fatties that OBESITY IS PREVENTABLE."

100 years of East London style in 100 seconds. Sept 13th 1911 - Sept 13th 2011.

And as always, I'll have both of my Tumblrs set up to automatically post things from the queue, so keep an eye on those for more fun stuff.

Working, building, never stopping, never sleeping. Working, making, some for selling, some for keeping.

2011-09-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

Chautauqua is a perfect time and place to get some sewing work done, so I've spent the past week or so getting some prep work taken care of! Lots of tracing and cutting and planning has been knocked out of the way.

I've got a big bag of sachet and garland supplies ready to be turned into etsy merchandise during our week relaxing by the beach on The Oregon Coast. My sewing room is getting over-run with piles of fabric (AGAIN! I have a problem) and turning more of that into sell-able items should help alleviate the chaos... a little.

In any event, WE HIT THE ROAD AT 4:30AM MONDAY MORNING!! Squee.

fuck you, mozzies.

2011-09-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have spent so much of this summer out of doors, in the fresh air, among trees and dirt and bonfires... I may love "not camping", but apparently I DO enjoy the woods a great deal. This is as much a surprise to me as it is to everyone else, trust me.

I mean, I did spend a lot of my childhood outdoors (at the go-kart track my family ran and lived at from 1983-1989, going to summer camp out on Lake Cresent every year from age 8 to 18, camping at Jesus Northwest for 4 days each summer from 1989 to 1997, etc), yet despite all that, I never considered myself an outdoorsy person. Once I was out on my own and not going to these events with my family, being outdoors kind of fell by the wayside. Between getting into yard work and going to Chautauqua for the past two years, I feel like I'm starting to embrace the dirt.

Recently some friends of ours acquired a bit of wooded land outside of town and we've been spending a lot of time there this summer. You get all the fun parts of camping without the sleeping-on-the-ground part, so it works out really nicely. Sure, the mosquitoes think I'm a tasty treat, but it's a small price to pay for spending time in such a beautiful place.

next stop: procrastination station

2011-09-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

It may have taken me almost 3 years, but I finally set up a Facebook page for Soft & Cozy. I will be offering free giveaways and exclusive coupon codes through the page (in fact, I've got free US shipping going on right now), so go "like" it, if you feel so inclined.

As Martha would say, "It's a good thing."

Moving right along, bu-bu-dum, bu-bu-dum, footloose and fancy free!

2011-09-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

A lot of my life these days has been focused on floating along and embracing everything. Making the decision to treat every moment of life as being in the right place at the right time and just rolling with it... and it has yielded some pretty awesome and surprising results.

Run on Sentence

Candace and I went to Sirens last weekend for dinner and drinks while our respective partners went hiking together. We happened to be there when there was a band playing, a band that turned out to be PHENOMENAL. Each song grabbed me in a way I wasn't expecting. The lead singer's voice would slide in and out of notes in an almost Neil Young-esque whine, but without the grating quality. Their music was a blend of folk, gypsy, story-telling, with hints of prog that was so good, I bought their cd. I haven't bought a cd since 2006, so that was kind of a big deal. They all happened to be really friendly, charismatic, and painfully handsome guys, so... bonus.

climbing from the bottom to the top of the pole

Artisans On Taylor re-opened in their shiny new location!! The space is truly an amazing improvement for the gallery - higher ceilings, less narrow, platforms and deep windows for displays, on the main drag instead of down a side-street... I could go on for ages. It was great to see the community coming together down there to support Anna and the gallery and our art community in general. I was so elated and inspired that I couldn't help but bomb a pole out in front!!

Young Professional like whoa.

And with the help of friends and Chardonnay, I broke out of my socially-anxious shell and attended a Chamber of Commerce mixer for "Young Professionals". I only handed out a couple of business cards (I'm still getting the hang of this, after all), but I'm so glad that I went. Next month I'll be starting a 3-part-series of hand-sewing workshops at the gallery and it's important that I start networking and am seen as somebody in the community who is doing stuff... I guess? I feel silly talking about it. When I think "young professional", I picture young writers and lawyers and real estate agents, not hand-sewists who gush about their feeeeeelings on the interwebs, but shit be changing, yo. My profession is sewing and I also represent myself online A LOT, so I may as well weave it all together into one big ball of JASIE. Right? Right.

10

2011-08-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Silas surprises me on a daily basis with what a truly rad person he is. Just now he told me that the sunrise was "really lovely" this morning and that he wishes I'd been up to see it. He went out in the yard and watched the sunrise, just because he wanted to... I remember being 10 really vividly and to see him be himself and know himself already, it's amazing and wonderful to me.

He loves to explore and build and listen to dubstep and update his tumblr and speak meme with anyone who understands. He rickrolled a friend of mine yesterday and then today he gets up early to watch the sunrise... he just blows my mind.

baby fever

2011-08-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

So... yup, I officially went there; I have started over-sharing about my reproductive health. I am a chronic over-sharer in general and tend to talk casually about stuff that many others would find private or inappropriate pretty much All The Time. I don't know why talking about my period would come as a shock to anyone, with my conversational tendencies, but I got a few responses from that last post that made me think I may have caught some people off-guard. If this is something that squicks you out (I've got one FTM trans friend who gets triggered by menstrual-speak), then have no fear - I'll be tagging each uterus-related post with "my big fat uterus". So just check the tags before proceeding and things should be ok.

Now I'd like to get to why I've started talking about my reproductive health - I went off Depo last September because Seth and I officially decided we were ready to start trying for a child together. I knew that it would take awhile for my cycle to regulate, but had no clue how long. I've been using Depo off and on for the last 6 years. I went off it once back in 2008 (after being on it for over 3 years), just to give my body a break and it took about a year to come back. This time around I had only been on it for about a year before stopping, so I figured it wouldn't take as long, which made the waiting unbearable. Turns out, it DID take a whole year again, even though I hadn't been on it very long this time.

In this year of waiting I have seen many friends have new babies or announce pregnancies. While I am so filled up with joy for them, it's been hard to sit by and twiddle my thumbs... REALLY hard. Which is why I just about flipped my shit when aunt Flo decided to swing by for a visit and I just had to tell everyone and their brother.

Before, I was just wishing and hoping to return to my regularly scheduled fertility, but now, I'm here and I'm fertile and I'm going to be talking about, dammit.

You must be THIS TALL to ride the emotional rollercoaster.

2011-08-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks:

I drove down to Portland in one day for Lexi's baby shower. It was really good to see her again so soon and to finally meet some of her Oregon friends. I was only there for about 3 1/2 hours, but it was worth the time on the road. The entire trip, from the time I left the house to the time I got back was just 11 hours.

I had a gnarly and intense depressive episode that crammed about 3 weeks worth of BLEH into about 3 days. There was a lot of random crying and saying stupid things I don't mean. I'm ok now.

I got my first period after being off the Depo shot for almost a year. It was really light (to the point that I thought it was a false alarm spotting a couple of times) and didn't last very long. So I guess my body is trying to get back to some semblance of normality... thank goodness. I miss being fertile myrtle.

I bought a car!! I'd had my eye on a 1978 300D Benz coupe that a co-worker of Seth's was selling, but they weren't responding to our offer and the more we thought about it, a two-door car isn't practical for us. Thankfully Seth's dad spotted this beauty at the used car lot out in Hadlock. Everything works... except for the things that don't. Classic Benz description. I'm in serious love with this car. I thought I felt a deep spiritual connection to my Subaru, but it doesn't compare to the intense feelings I have for this beauty. I even ordered bumper stickers for her already! I shall call her Tomato.

I bought a day-planner. The latest depressive episode showed me that I need to get organized in my head. I am organized with my stuff, but most definitely NOT with my time. I am not a person who was built to be heavily scheduled or fully booked, but wandering around aimlessly isn't really working either. I need to find that happy medium. I need to be productive, but not busy. I honestly don't know how I spent 30 years without a day-planner. I'm even keeping track of my sleeping habits for the first time in my life.

a dance party with zero dancing, go figure.

2011-08-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm a chronic over-planner. Obsessive, detail-oriented, organized... So you can imagine what I was like when planning my own 30th birthday party.

There were 8 different drafts of the snack & drink list - the playlist was edited intensely over the course of three weeks and was listened to in its entirety at least five times during the editing process - several different living room rearrangements were tested out for maximum socializing and dancing room - I played my most bass heavy song on the playlist at the highest volume before distortion and then walked the perimeter of my property to make sure the volume adhered to city ordinances on noise (which I read in detail) - a facebook event page was created about a month before the actual party and was updated often, including messages sent to all invited guests about parking, bringing friends, etc. I posted the event on my wall about once a week and shared it on the walls of friends who I thought might know other people who'd like to come. It's how I roll.

A lot of people couldn't make it and made sure to let me know they wouldn't be coming. A few cancelled last minute, but let me know over text or facebook message, which I appreciated. I should have lived in the Victorian era where people prided themselves on reliability and punctuality and attention to detail and decorum, because it's incredibly important to me. Some people view etiquette as stuffy and superficial, I have always viewed it as showing that you care, but yeah... that's neither here nor there.

In any event, I over-planned, as always. The main problem with this is that when you put so much time and work and thought into small events, there is bound to be disappointment. The party was planned to accommodate anywhere from 20 to 30 people. I wanted to throw the epic house-party I should have thrown when I was 18 and my parents went out of town (instead I had my best friend over to watch Dawson's Creek and eat ice cream). I was a goody two-shoes who never really rocked the boat; My parents would disagree and would say I gave them hell in my teen years, but I'm pretty sure they don't know what having a rebellious teenager looks like, because I didn't do a lot of things simply out of fear of punishment or disappointing them (which was definitely on my radar and I think they assumed I didn't care what they thought).

The party didn't end up being the big blowout I had planned and anticipated, but more a small gathering of about 10 people that happened to have a really good snack spread and dancing-music playing in the background (it got turned DOWN rather than up, because talking ended up happening instead of dancing).

It was still a lot of fun. I drank my fair share of mimosas and flitted around from guest to guest, poking in on conversations. My oldest and dearest friend, Lexi, drove up from Portland just for my party and we got to goof around and have a lovely time together (she's due in less than two months with her second son. Her other son just turned two... she will soon be busier than I have ever been in my LIFE).

I got to wear the dress I made (which I talked about designing here). It was well-received and incredibly comfortable and fun. Now if only I had done some dancing in it. I know for sure that I'll be wearing it to the next dance-party I go to at The Undertown, big time (and I think there's something big going on a week from Friday, so... HUZZAH).

I'm glad I threw myself a party. Turning 30 is big. I just wish I knew how to reconcile my over-planning, expectations, disappointments, and ultimately... reality. I'm working on it.

I'm 30 now. A photoshoot was in order. Duh.

2011-08-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

tank top - Alight
vest- Walmart
shorts - leggings from OldNavy that I cut off and hemmed
shoes & purse - Forever21
jewelry - a mish-mash of Icing, Forever21, and Target

go sit in the corner

2011-07-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

I picked up a cute little corner shelf awhile back at goodwill for $1 and finally painted it green and found a place to hang it a couple of days ago. I embroidered the "I got 5 on it" hoop yesterday morning. The candle holder is from Ross and the framed print is from etsy seller Laura George.

maths

2011-07-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

It seems to me, from my general experience of life and the experiences I've heard of from others, that most kids (mainstream-schooled, especially) develop a bit of wariness, frustration, and/or outright hatred of math at some point in their life. There are varying reasons, such as: teachers attitudes about the subject, homework becoming overwhelming, parents getting frustrated, grades creating too much pressure, concepts being thrown at them too quickly or becoming bored and ambivalent when the subject is covered too slowly, etc.

My frustration with math started with pre-algebra. Up until then, I had been considered "advanced" in the subject and did well at it without much effort. Pre-algebra didn't come easily to me, and because I was "advanced", no one thought to slow down and give me more time or attention to help me through my first math-related hurdle. Funnily enough, I do enjoy math. I love charts and statistics and use math often in my day to day life. Even algebra... except I don't even realize I'm doing algebra because my past tells me that algebra is scary and stressful. Put a worksheet down in front of me and I would probably still have a panic attack at almost 30 years old.

Silas is incredibly fortunate to have been born with a mathematical brain. Numbers don't send him into a panic... yet. And as someone who likes him and appreciates him for who he is, I'd really like to keep it that way. This is why I got pissed off at the cashier today while grocery shopping.

We got to the front of the line and the cashier started making small-talk. No big deal. I've done that job and small talk is the social lubricant that keeps all of the wheels turning. It is important and necessary; He did it wrong. Oh boy. Firstly, he asks Silas what grade he's in, which isn't a big deal, as Silas has the best pat answer ever, "I don't go to school. I'm unschooled. I basically just learn from living my life." Though he may need to work on saying it a little less smugly (or maybe smug is the vibe he's going for. Smug can be fun.), but it's always been a good answer. This guy, however, decided to use it as a jumping off point for quizzing Silas... in math.

He starts asking him these incredibly difficult math questions like, "What's 279 multiplied by 13?" Like... whoa. I couldn't even do that in my head on the spot without being given a moment. He then proceeded to give him a long division problem, also expecting him to do it in his head. I told the clerk, "He's a visual learner, for the most part, and would need the numbers on a page in front of him or in some kind of visual aid to be able to figure that out." Apparently this guy doesn't know when to quit and asks another math question. I was annoyed, but Silas was rolling with the punches and wasn't appearing embarrassed or frustrated, THANK GOODNESS.

At this point our transaction was just about done and there wasn't a need to keep talking to the guy, but if I'd had more time or had been better at thinking on my feet I would have sarcastically thanked him for trying so hard to undermine my child's confidence in his math abilities. Most kids get freaked out about math at some point in their school careers, so why would people go out of their way to put kids on the spot with numbers? Why? What purpose does that serve?

I'm fortunate that Silas IS confident in his abilities and that he's not easily shaken by pushy and intrusive adults.

It's been a year since I wrote about my hair... and over two years since I washed it.

2011-07-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

27 months, to be exact. 27 months of eschewing shampooing. I know that no-poo doesn't work out for a lot of the people who try it. I think some of that has to do with getting over the hump. The timing of the hump varies so much from head to head, that it's impossible to tell someone the exact day that their hair will go from greasy and awkward to shiny and manageable. And for some, there is no hump to get over, there's just environmental circumstances that make them less than ideal candidates for no-poo (air pollution where they live, water that is too hard or too soft, hair that is so damaged from chemical processing that it would require a head-shaving in order to see healthy hair, etc). This isn't to say those hurdles can't be jumped over if you, as an individual, desperately want to go no-poo; I just don't want to shame anyone who tried and found it wasn't worth it or it wasn't so simple because of extenuating circumstances.

mermaid hair

Manic Panic Amplified in Atomic Turquoise, Enchanted Forest, & Purple Haze.

As you can see, I've got a lot of colors going on in my hair. I'm also wearing it curly-ish again. I have no-poo to thank for being able to do this. When I was using shampoo, my curls were frizzy and unpredictable. I still have dry hair, there's no escaping that, but now it's manageable and cooperative. It doesn't foof out of control if I look at it wrong.

Here's the run down of what I currently use on my hair (a mix of drug-store conditioners and salon conditioners, the ratio of which could be changed to fit almost any budget) : When I hop in the shower, the first thing I do is condition my hair; that way the product can soak in while I do the rest of my bathing. I use thes e three conditioners. I keep all three in the shower, but only use one or a mixture of two each day. This way I can rotate them out, keeping costs low and my hair on it's toes. I work the conditioner into my whole head of hair and then scrub my scalp with my fingertips. Once I've done that, I put a bit of this conditioner (mixed with a few drops of rosemary essential oil) on the bottom half of my hair, focusing on the tips. Then I pull my hair up into a bun and tie it back, so that I don't rinse out any of the conditioner by accident while cleaning the rest of my body. Once that is all done, I rinse out my hair at the last second before hopping out of the shower. I only take 5 minute-ish showers, so it's not in my hair a ridiculous amount of time, but enough to do its thing.

Having the side of my head shaved short has been a fun ride.

Now this is where it gets a little bit weird for some. Bear with me. After I've towel-dried my hair, I spray a leave-in conditioner on it. That doesn't seem so weird... but the treatment is made from sheep placenta. I bought it simply because Kaylah of The Dainty Squid recommended it for dry and chemically damaged hair. She's written extensively about what products and methods she uses for getting her hair so vibrant and shiny and awesome, so I figured it was worth a try. It's the best $4 I've ever spent on a hair product. So if placenta doesn't squick you out (it doesn't for me, but does for many, so seriously, good on you for being cool with nature and all it's bounty), give this stuff a try. It smells surprisingly good, too.

So there it is... everything you wanted to know about my hair (or didn't, whatever).

The Committee for Pole Beautification: Port Townsend Chapter

2011-07-26T12:05:00.000-07:00

With the help of a few friends, I've embarked on a mission; to yarn bomb as many poles and railings and sign-posts around Port Townsend as is humanly possible!

Kitty doing up a railing at the new park, down by the Maritime Center.

Anna at Artisans on Taylor (soon to be Artisans OFF Taylor, she's moving the gallery) invited me to come down and do a 15 min parking sign-post in front of her shop earlier this week. It was a good day for gabbing, drinking hard cider, and soaking up the sun. I even wore sandals!

Whitney doing a spider-web pattern on one of the piers downtown. I have since discovered that this method doesn't hold up so well. Grumpy and/or mischievous humans find it easier to grab at and rip down. Which is a shame, because the pattern is really pretty and different. I'm now sticking to tying the yarn around the poles in a finger-crocheting kind of way.

I picked up a few bags of assorted skeins at Goodwill (about $6-$7 total for enough yarn to fill a Trader Joe's bag) and have been trying to go out about once a week to accomplish some beautification! I'm lucky enough to live in a town that is really quite pretty to begin with, but a little extra color and happiness never hurts!

Pleasurable Movement

2011-07-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I did a 12k a couple of months ago and it left me feeling pretty accomplished, but also drove home how much better shape I wish I was in. I did a bit of training in the month leading up to it, which felt really good, but also brought up a lot of conflicting feelings about movement and my body.

In the height of my disordered eating (early 2006 - late 2007), I worked out WAY TOO MUCH. I was already working 40 hours a week at Starbucks, which was 100% on my feet, lots of flitting back and forth in the work area, heavy lifting twice a week (I was the one who put away our supply and paper orders) and lots of cleaning. I was a very busy bunny. On top of that, I was going to the gym about 5 days a week and doing atleast an hour of cardio and weight-training with every visit. I never gave my muscles a chance to rest, like… ever. I was stressed, I wasn’t eating much... I was hyper-focused on my water consumption and getting as many vitamins and nutrients as possible in supplements and EmergenC and things like that, because I was convinced that if I got 100% of each of my required vitamins, I didn’t need to eat. In hindsight, I know that was colossally stupid and that food is kind of necessary for survival, but at the time, it made sense to me. I mean, my hair was falling out. I was getting an incredible amount of headaches. I was exhausted and unstable.

All of these behaviors brought my weight down to 180, which is still considered obese for my height. Yes, the BMI is bullshit, duh, but my point is that in the middle of all of this, it didn't look like I had an eating disorder. I still looked fat. My body is not a thin body and is obviously not meant to be a thin body. I got a lot of encouragement from people while this was going on. I had realized I was a terrible, horrible GREAT BIG FAT PERSON and was doing something about it. - Cue epic eye roll.

I never want to go back there... but I want to be in better shape than I am now. I'm not good at gray areas. When I first got into FA and HAES, it took me a long time to figure out my own hunger cues and to truly practice intuitive eating. I still suck at it a lot of the time, but mainly because I’m flighty and don’t pay attention to my body like I should, not because I’m rebelling against myself. My nutrition isn't perfect, but I feel positive about the way I eat most of the time.

The weight I gained in those first 6 months of accepting my body is pretty typical, from the stories I’ve read of other people getting into fat acceptance after a history of disordered eating. It’s hard to find pleasurable movement to engage in when most exercise triggers those old feelings… and it’s still hard. I enjoyed walking every day in preparation for The Rhody Run. I felt connected to my body, like I was giving it something it needed. I get a lot of exercise from yard work and house-cleaning and things like that, but the purposeful nature of going out for a walk is something I had missed. I need to find a way to get that back without getting too close to the slippery slope of obsession.

Double Digits

2011-07-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Silas is ten today. Ten. TEN! As in, he's been alive, on this earth, for an entire decade.

My head is spinning a bit at the thought of this.

The big Three-Oh.

2011-07-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

Epic sale is EPIC. Seriously.

I am throwing a FUCKING HUGE sale in my shop between now and my birthday (August 8th). It’s kind of a big deal because I’m turning 30. To celebrate I’ve set up a coupon code for 30% OFF. Just enter DIRTYTHIRTIES at the checkout. If you're on Tumblr, re-blog this sucker for me, would ya?

Learn Free

2011-07-13T08:52:00.000-07:00

I would encourage anyone who is curious about unschooling or what our educational life looks like to watch this short and informative documentary!

Learn Free from Lillian Mauser-Carter on Vimeo.

Yah... real people live here.

2011-07-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

Clutter happens.

I consider myself an extremely neat person. I am fairly well organized, I clean up any little messes that happen promptly and thoroughly, I dust often and fold blankets and straighten picture frames and wipe down counters. Seth vacuums the whole house and cleans both bathrooms every weekend and keeps the recycling organized and the trash cans emptied. We're a well-oiled machine, but we also live and our house totally shows it. I've been seeing a lot of random blog posts lately about showing what real homes with children look like, about being real and not staging every photo as if it was ripped out of a page of a magazine. I get that, but I also am one of those people whose home often looks kind of DWELL-y. I like decorating and cleaning and feel much much more relaxed when not surrounded by mess.

I feel that my cleanliness and attention to detail is a lot of what makes me a good host to guests. I don't want people to come into my home and feel scattered and frantic from messiness, but I also accept that CLUTTER HAPPENS.

My sinks aren't always empty. Sometime this afternoon I'll put away the stuff in the rack and wash what's in the sink, but that hasn't happened yet. That's ok. If someone were to drop by, focusing on the un-done dishes wouldn't do me a single bit of good. Besides, if I offered my guest tea, the cup can get washed with this rather than all by itself. Heh.

This is the one messy corner of my sewing room. I still haven't fully organized every little bit of fabric from when it was all piled up while one of our walls got re-dry-walled after some water damage. I've also made a few trips to Goodwill since then and have yet to unpack my findings. That's ok. I can get to things just fine and it's not like it's impeding my ability to enter the room. In the next couple of weeks I'd like to get the pile sorted, but it may take a few short bursts of organizational energy to do it.

Silas' room shows evidence of play and sleep and kid life. He's having some friends over on Friday, so I'm sure I'll get to it before then so that they have a clean slate to play in. It's really ok if it sits until then.

I haven't made the bed. I don't make it every single day. I do love a well-made bed, but we had to go to a dr's appt at 9am this morning and the bed being made wasn't top priority. I may not make it today. The red suitcase is still out from my trip to Portland this last weekend. I got home Sunday night and really should have put it away by now, but atleast I got the dirty laundry out of it, right? Besides, I had a weeks worth of grocery shopping to do after I got home and that's always a bit draining for me. Life goes on. I've got nowhere I have to go tomorrow, so this room will probably get a once-over by then.

So yes, I DO have a certain way I fold my towels, my dishes are stacked in the cupboards JUST SO, rugs are regularly scooted back into the spots where I like them, and laundry is collected, washed, dried, and put away according to a very particular system, BUT... clutter happens. Life happens. Kids happen. That's more important than worrying about every little dust bunny.

last chance, people.

2011-07-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm doing one FINAL printing of the first issue. Once this next batch is gone, it will be retired and I'll be starting work on the second issue! If you'd like a FREE copy, please send your physical mailing address to thefeelgoodery@gmail.com - It's your last chance!!

If you're interested in contributing to the next issue, please contact me. I'm SO open to submissions, it's not even funny.

Don't be an Asshole

2011-07-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

I try not to be a jerk to my son... it's hard. I know very few people who don't act like jerks once in awhile (or all the time). These are a few of the guidelines I try to follow in my relationship with Silas:

Try not to yell.
Accept that yelling happens.
Treat him how I wish I'd been treated as a kid.
Apologize when I've acted like a jerk.
Be patient and consider his feelings.
Try not to yell.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

In turn, I expect Silas not to be a jerk (and accept that he sometimes is). I don't force him to apologize, but trust that he will offer a genuine apology when he's ready. Him being ready may not always line up with when I want to hear it... that's life. Ever since Life is Good, I've been feeling more relaxed and comfortable in my interactions with the boy, and although I've loosened up significantly, I still have my moments where I trip up and am unfair with him (or downright mean). It makes me feel incredibly icky.

I often get all offended when I see or hear other people being shitty to their kids out in public, and it forces me to accept that I'm not always a peach, myself. It makes me cringe when I see a parent/carer disregard a child's needs or shoosh them or threaten punishments. Time-outs and hand-swats make my head spin. I know that as a kid, I was often told that things couldn't happen "my way" or to just be quiet and it made me feel like my own preferences weren't valid, like *I* wasn't valid. So much of my parenting is based on treating Silas the way I wish I'd been treated as a kid, but we all have bad days as parents and people. Sometimes those bad days are on display for everyone in the grocery store to see, and sometimes it's when we're home and our kids or partner bear the brunt of it. It sucks and the best we can do is dust ourselves off and work towards doing better. We just have to re-program our thinking. That work is never done. That's why the internet is pretty much the greatest thing EVER - endless resources of support! There have been several good blog posts on parenting that I've shared on facebook recently that I'd like to share here, as well.

My Watery Balloon of Disappointment at This Moment is my Teacher
The Lesson of the Moody Teenager at FreePlayLife
I Invited My Children To This Party & Ten Ways To Confuse a Child at Demand EUPHORIA
On Being Awesome at SwissArmyWife

‎"If I had to make a general rule for living and working with children, it might be this: be wary of saying or doing anything to a child that you would not do to another adult, whose good opinion and affection you valued." - John Holt

TRUTH.

a girl's got to have life goals

2011-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Basically, I have decided that Summer 2011 is going to be my Fat Effy Stonem phase. My wardrobe is already 100% black and grey, I have patterned tights and short shorts and drapey tops and black jelly bracelets and liquid eyeliner... I just need to take it up a notch. Or a few notches. I haven't decided exactly how far I'm going to go with this, but I'm pretty sure it will involve some rumba panties and short dresses. I don't wear lots of necklaces like she does (mainly because... well, HELLO. I have large breasts), but I can dig on the stacked bracelets and boots, so it should all come together.

I don't plan to start smoking cigarettes or have any psychotic breakdowns or anything, just so you know.

I started designing a dress a couple of nights ago. It's basically a square-hemmed top (like the one Natalie is wearing below), but a bit longer and belted. I also ruched the tops of the sleeves for a little bit of a puffed look. I tried it on a few minutes ago, after doing up the hem on the scoop neck and I frankly made it a bit too short. Obscenely so. If I invest in some rumba pants, I might want something short enough to catch the occasional glimpse of them, but not to see them plain as day when I'm standing up straight. I think it's fixable. I just need to get creative.

I'll unveil it once it's finished, though finding an appropriate place to wear it may prove challenging. Maybe I need to throw the idea of "appropriateness" out the window? I obviously already have on some level if I'm showing skin as a fatty. One side of my head is shaved, I've got a facial piercing, I wear short shorts... The fact that I have ANY reservations about my own appropriateness at this point is pretty hilarious.

I'm not quite ready to forgive and forget, but I do feel ready to stop sabotaging myself over and over.

2011-06-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

The hurts, they run deep.

Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. My family isn’t going to magically stop letting me down. It just isn’t going to happen. I turn 30 in August and this is the one thing that continually causes me stress and mental/emotional pain. Everything else in my life, I am either happy with or working to become happy with. I owe it to myself to let this go. It’s time.

So… I’m accepting that my family is just a group of people who I am blood related to, who I have nothing in common with as a person, who I see at Xmas. I keep reaching out to my mom, trying to open the lines of communication, and each time I set myself up for disappointment. It doesn't feel healthy or right to do that to myself over and over again.

I’ve set up a filter on facebook so that my mother can’t see my tagged photos, website info, links I post, etc. I didn’t block out much, just the things that could possibly cause tension and conflict. I blocked my older half brother (he is a cop and talks to me in the type of condescending tone that you often hear aimed at small children) and his wife (who I just don't want to pass info on) from the same stuff. I kept my teen nieces and my 18 year old brother on my regular list that can see everything. The girls are sweet and it’s not their fault. My younger brother is a really cool kid who I don’t agree with on a lot of things, but who reminds me a lot of myself at that age. Except he’s frankly MUCH smarter. I was a couple months away from my wedding at his age. He’s dating around like a regular human. Smart.

Letting go is fucking hard. I see friends whose moms call them, go visit them, think of them often and let them know… One of my best friends lives several states away from her mother. She calls and skypes with her grandkids and sends birthday gifts, like, you know, a normal mom. Other friends have moms who knit with them, watch movies with them, drive 2 hours each way to have tea with them. Another friend relocated to a new state awhile back and her mom has helped them out with getting a place to live, getting a car, watching her grandson. My family lives just shy of an hour away and I haven’t seen my mom since… oh gosh, what was it? March? I have tried to open the lines of communication with her many times since then (texting her random bits about my day, calling, dropping by on Mother's day & leaving her card, email, sending her a copy of the zine, etc). She reciprocated once, by leaving a message on my FB wall, which I promptly replied to and was so fucking excited to tell her about things and have a conversation… she never replied after that. That was several weeks ago. I haven’t heard from her since.

I was venting to someone recently about my lack of relationship with my mom and how much it upsets me sometimes. She suggested that maybe my mom speaks a different love language than me and that I may be having trouble recognizing her attempts at a relationship. I came home and thought about what she said and decided to look up the five love languages and see if I recognized her behavior in ANY of them… Nope. From what I can tell, she has made no effort to show me her love in any way, shape, or form. That hurts, because I know she DOES love me, but I don't ever see it. I'm pretty open with my love. I show it. My love language is quality time, I think. I want to spend time with her, I want her to be a part of my life, a friend.

I’m still having trouble accepting that this is how it is. I’m not open with my mom at all about how she's let me down, because I’ve always been one of the only people in our family who enjoys talking about their feeeeelings. If I felt like bothering with saying anything to her about this, this is what I'd say - "I don’t care if you agree with my “life choices”. I’m not worried about pleasing you anymore. I’m happy and love my life and what I’ve made of myself and I've tried so hard to include you, but if you can’t be a part of that because you disagree with this, that, or the other… you’re missing out on a relationship with me and with my partner and son. That’s sad. I think I’m done trying to connect with you and getting nothing in return."

"I am a great believer in found families and I’m not a great believer in blood. Although I love my family, even the ones I grew up with, to me I’ve always felt that the people who treated you with respect and included you in their lives were your family and the people who were related to you by blood might happen to be those people but that correlation was a lot less [strong] than society believes it is.” - Joss Whedon

doing stuff yourself is like, totally rad.

2011-06-19T10:13:00.002-07:00

This is a project I've been working on for a couple of years and if I may say so, it is coming along very nicely. I've been thrifting picture frames for cheap (anywhere from 10 cents each to $1 each, depending on which thrift shop I'm at, what color tag is on sale, what size the frame is, etc) and spray-painting them all the same glossy dark brown. There are many different shapes and sizes and styles and textures among the frames; when they're all painted the same color and hung together, it comes together in a really neat way. I think this would also look good with the frames all painted a variety of colors, though that would give an entirely different effect.

This project started all the way back in the apartment. I've been working on it slowly but surely, adding a few frames at a time, I'm hoping to have the wall almost entirely covered eventually.

If you're looking for an inexpensive way to spruce up a wall, this is quite fun.

(next month) it's time to party and we will party hard.

2011-06-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago we had no friends with children. Our life here was nice, but felt a bit lonely and isolated. Now Silas has friends and for the first time in his life, we've decided to throw him a birthday party that isn't populated by our families; we'll be doing a shindig with the families of his friends.

It's sometimes a bit weird to accept that my son is a budding "tween", but he is. We've been stopping in at The Boiler Room about once a week to get coffee, drop off copies of the zine, visit my friend Kitty, and to just hang out. The more often we stop in, the more I realize how little time is left before he'll be walking out the front door to go meet up with his friends... without me. We're on the cusp of a new chapter of his life and I've got a lot of feeeeeeelings.

My ass is beyond powerful.

2011-06-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

I am truly magnificent...

A couple of weeks ago Seth and I went to his parents house for his celebratory birthday feast, which was an outdoor BBQ. There were benches around the firepit that his dad had built from split logs. Can you see where this is going…? I sat on one, right in the middle (with Seth to my right and his little sister to my left) and the thing fucking collapsed. These weren't wimpy little benches built by someone who has no experience with making things, these were beefy and even though the total weight on it once all three of us were sitting there was probably between 450 and 500 lbs, you couldn't chock it up to a lack of structural integrity. It was a bit awkward and kind of embarrassing, but not because I'm fat. Mainly because it's a little embarrassing to fall over in front of other people under any circumstances.

A few years ago I was in a much more vulnerable place. I truly believed that I was a thin person trapped inside this mammoth body and that someday I’d BREAK FREE of my fat chains. I'd see people fatter than me and try to tell myself, "It could be worse."... Wow, assy much? Also, I’d only been with Seth a couple of years at that point and was still pretty intimidated by his family. Now that we’ve been together going on six years and I’m a few years into my fat acceptance journey (my last bout of disordered eating/dieting/etc was in Spring of 2008, I think), I’m like, “Yah. My ass is pretty powerful. It breaks furniture. If you don’t want your furniture possibly broken, don’t invite my powerful ass over.”

I mean, it was still kind of embarrassing, duh, but I was able to have a laugh about it. If this had happened back in 07 or 08, I would have run to the car and left sobbing. I feel like I've grown so much. I'm kinder to myself. I'm patient with myself. I love myself.

Shop my closet, Round one: Shooooes.

2011-06-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

I've always had a pretty profound adoration for shoes, but never had very many pairs at a time growing up. My first pair of shoes that cost over $30 were bought when I was 15 and it was a momentous occasion that made me feel positively RICH. They were suede Simple clogs and I wore them until they fell completely apart. Because of my spartan shoe upbringing, I tend to gravitate towards pairs that are a steal (though now that I have discovered how much I love boots, I will spend $60-$70 on a pair if they seem worth it). Because of this natural frugality of mine, I tend to have lots of inexpensive shoes at a time. I went on a ballet flat spree between 2006 and 2009, which is most of what you'll see up for sale here. There are a few tiny heeled shoes, a pair of ankle boots, and some trainers in here that just never worked out for me. I've opened comments up on this one post for the sake of convenience. Feel free to comment if you fancy any of these shoes (or you can email me at jasievangesen@gmail.com if you'd like it kept private)!

SOLD!!! These mustard yellow kitten heels are absolutely lovely. It was a sad sad day when I finally accepted that I can't walk in heels, no matter how short they are. I wore this pair about 10 times. They've got a tiny bit of scuffing on the heels from the times I almost fell over from lack of coordination. SOLD!!

These bright blue flats are FREAKY comfortable. I have low ankle bones that are quite boney and I never got any kind of blisters of chafing from this pair. The baubles are a neat little embellishment! There is minimal scuffing and sole wear.

Size 8 1/2 - Old Navy - $7 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

Same pair in an eggplant-y purple! They've got a little more scuffing than the blue pair, but it's not even noticeable.

Size 8 1/2 - Old Navy - $7 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

I only wore these a handful of times, so the soles have pretty much no wear and they are in really good condition.

Size 8 - Walmart - $5 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

SOLD!! These gray and sunshine yellow flats have a faux-croc pattern and sweet little bows. These were a super fun way to bring a burst of color into a neutral outfit! I only wore them maybe a dozen times, so they're in awesome condition. Size 8 1/2 - Old Navy - $8 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else) SOLD!!

These kelly green babies have a 1/4" wedge-type heel on them. The material the shoe is made out of is perforated. It's adorable, but really hard to capture in a picture. The bows are grosgrain ribbon.

Size 8 - American Eagle - $8 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

The rope-material that the bows are made of has always made these mock-croc yellow flats seem really nautical to me. Chicks love that sensitive nautical shit. I wore these a lot, so they are definitely in used condition, but they've got a lot of life left in them!

Size 8 - Target - $5 + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

These silver Isaac Mizrahi flats are adorable. They're woven with two different materials; one is silver and sparkly and the other is a tone on tone mock-croc type thing. The side of the shoe has this funky shape where the front material crosses over the back material. As you can imagine, I wore these puppies a lot.

Size 8 - Target - just take them for free and pay the shipping if you really want them. They've been worn like whoa, but are just so so cute + $5 shipping in US ($7 for Canada, $12 for everywhere else)

SOLD!! Do you remember about 2-2 1/2 years ago when everybody and their brother had these ruffled kitten heels from Target? I remember that Marianne Kirby had some and Lesley Kinzel had them and I wanted them in a big way. The yellow ones at the top of the post were my favorite, but when I discovered that they had them online in many colors and had my size in stock, I went a little wild. But like I said before... I can't wear heels AT ALL without fear of eating it every time I take a step. The above pair are black and still have the tags on them. It's so sad that I never got to wear them. They need a good home; a home with someone who knows how to walk and stuff. SOLD!!!

SOLD!! ~~Same deal in chocolate brown. No tag, but I literally put them on once and I'm pretty sure I didn't even leave the house. It's so depressing, guys.~~ SOLD!!!

SOLD!! Now we get into these ankle boots. They are brown suede, have a 1/2" heel that I didn't notice in the pictures before buying them online (which is why you get a chance to own them)! Do you see the adorable cross-over strappy things in the back? They're CUTE.

~~Size 8 - I honestly don't remember where I bought them - $15 + $4 shipping in US ($5 for Canada, $10 for everywhere else)~~ SOLD!!

These Puma sneakers have been worn about 10-12 times. I spent a year and a half trying to convince myself that these were my new exercise shoes... it ended in a lot of blisters of ouchies. They are a size 8 on the label, but fit like a size 7. So if you wear wear a size 7 and need some BARELY USED, high quality walking shoes... yah, buy these from me. I finally broke down and replaced them with some really ugly Nikes a few months back that actually fit true to size.

Size 8 (fits like a 7) - Puma - $15 + $7 shipping in US ($9 for Canada, $13 for everywhere else)

So yah, there are all of my shoooooooooooes. Please to be buying them? I'll be accepting Paypal or check payments.

fueling my social flames

2011-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

If you know me personally or have read anything I've posted online, you know that I am a socially anxious person who tends to hermit and hole-up in my fortress of solitude. That wouldn't be a problem if I was actually an introvert, but I don't think I am. I thrive on being social, it feeds my soul. It exhausts me, yes, but a good kind of exhaustion. Lately, I've been pushing myself out there a lot more and it's been a really good experience! I feel full and recharged and positive, like I've soaked it up from being around others.

First there was Life is Good, where I was constantly surrounded by people. And not just any people, but others who are of the same mind on many things. While there, we discovered that there was another Port Townsend family in attendance who I had never met and did not know existed! We didn't get to hang out much at the actual conference (though we did share a blanket at the picnic before heading home, which was really nice). The next week Silas and I went over to their house to visit and had a really lovely time. I have a feeling we'll be seeing a lot of the Bazuzi family!!

And as if LiG wasn't enough to fill us up to the brim, I also attended a big dance party birthday bash at The Undertown last weekend! I've been to many of the events there (it's a coffee and wine bar that is child-friendly and functions as a kind of community center. I don't know if that was their intent or if it just evolved into such, but it's a really lovely thing to have here.), but this was different. I've recently become friends with the younger sister of a friend from high school. I decided to go out on a limb and invite her to come along with me and she accepted! It turns out that we're the same brand of dance-in-the-corner-like-total-nerds party attendees. Always a nice thing to discover.

Cupcakes are good for eating, but also must be photographed and fawned over.

To top off all of my social butterfly behaviors, I also spent Saturday on Vashon Island, visiting Tara and Heather one last time before Tara and Justin hit the road again. We supped together (a massive feast of homemade turkey chili, roasted artichokes, strawberry cupcakes, coleslaw, and various and sundry condiments and chips and tidbits of awesome), laughed and goofed around, took a stroll in the warm and pleasant evening air, and enjoyed eachother's company immensely.

Dance parties are a fun time.

Dance parties in colorful outfits and with kindred spirits are even better.

All in all, I feel like I'm finally learning to embrace my inner social butterfly. It may have taken 30 years to figure out exactly what that means for me, but it was worth the wait.

an american quilt

2011-06-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

Another thing that has been keeping me extremely busy in the hand department is my etsy shop. A lot of involved sewing has been going down. A lot. Many small projects, as always, but I also started making mini-quilts.

The first one required some math and planning and trial and error, but once I had my formula down... it was easy as pie. Just A LOT of tracing and cutting and stitching and ironing.

I love making them so much, though, that I can't stop. It's becoming a problem. I get completely obsessed.

Each one takes me about 5 days, working in short bursts so I don't cramp up my right hand completely. Pricing them was incredibly hard for me, but once I realized how much time and effort I put into them, putting a monetary value on it felt kind of nice. It took the pressure off, somehow.

I'm not sure what I'll make next. I've been seriously considering doing some super-detailed soft dolls. They would take a lot of time, but would be incredibly rewarding and would put more high-ticket items in my shop. It's always a joyous little windfall each time something like that sells.

1 year + 1 week

2011-06-11T13:34:00.000-07:00

That is how long it's been since we moved into our house, believe it or not. It's been an interesting year full of painting, yard work, unclogging low-flow toilets, and learning that the pipe behind a no-freeze hose spigot can still burst in the winter (and fill parts of your child's room and your office with super awesome standing water, yay!). All in all, it's been a very good year. We feel incredibly blessed to be done with apartment living, yard sharing, laundromats, etc.

Here are some snippets of the main living area of our home and what we've done with the place!

The FeelGOODery is here.

2011-06-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

My last post before taking a 3 month break from blogging was... um... vague, at best. I spoke about being inspired and wanting to do something good and then I didn't post again until yesterday. I left you guys hanging and I'm sorry, but I just got SO ENGROSSED with what I was working on that I kind of tuned out the rest of the world. Well, the thing that I ended up working on was a new zine.

I hadn't done a zine since 2004, and before that in high school. My zines were never particularly good, in hindsight, but this one? This one is damn good. It's hard to say that without sounding cocky, but I'm just so immensely proud of how it turned out.

The entire concept of the zine is to induce warm fuzzies, to inspire people to help out with their world, to encourage all of us to support each other more. It contains two pieces by the indomitable Kelly Hogaboom, one by performance artist/teacher/permaculture expert Nala Walla, and a feature on local non-profit, The Boiler Room by Becky Shipley.

There are so many happy little tidbits packed into the first issue and it's FREE. All you've got to do to get a copy is send your physical mailing address (this zine is only available in print form) to thefeelgoodery@gmail.com - I also set up a facebook page for the zine, if you're interested in "liking" it!!

You must suffer from the terrifying clarity of your vision.

2011-06-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

So... I have a lot of feelings. Feelings that are hard to process and put into words. Feelings that are all-consuming. Feelings that are GOOD. I feel good. Really fucking good.

Silas and I finally got around to attending Life is Good, an unschooling conference in Vancouver, WA (I say finally, but we've only been doing this for 2 years. Many of the other first-timers had been unschooling for much longer than we have). It was overwhelming, overstimulating, scary, awkward... and then I let go. It ended up being a profoundly liberating and affirming experience. Being there reinforced all of my feelings of what I'm doing right as a parent and what I'm getting wrong. I walked away from this event with so much clarity.

Not to mention, my social batteries have been recharged to their full capacity. I am a person who has a hard time making face to face friends because social interactions are beyond awkward and uncomfortable for me. I can fake it until I make it, but it thoroughly drains me. I tend to gravitate towards online friendships; you kind of have to take what you can get when you live an unconventional (and sometimes controversial) life in a small town off on its own peninsula. Many of the people at the conference were friends online who I had yet to meet face to face, and many were people I didn't even know existed until now! A bond was formed. A funny little bond with laughing and cocktails and people who spoke the same parenting language.

I spent the first 24 hours of the conference all shaky and sweaty-palmed and awkward TO THE MAX, but by the next morning I was ready to bust that apart. I started by attending a circle chat hosted by Heather, which instantly made me comfortable around her and helped melt away some of the anxiety I was holding onto. Through her and Tara, I was able to mix and mingle and meet more people and I am forever grateful. If I hadn't taken that leap, I may have spent the whole weekend holed up in the hotel room (which I did a little of, anyway. It's good to have a few bursts of quiet alone time), or cowering in the corner of the lobby, people watching (yah, I did that too, but not as much as I would have)!

Frankly, I barely saw Silas. He is so independent these days, and so close to tween-dom, that he was off doing his own thing just as I was off doing mine. We checked in a few times a day (except for the third day, where I somehow didn't cross paths with him from 10am until 5pm, which left me a bundle of nerves), ate some meals together, and saw each other when it was time for sleep (though one night I went to bed at 12:30 and he wasn't back yet, but when I woke up at 4am to use the bathroom, he was asleep in his bed. That's kind of a big window. Yeesh.)... He was just so busy making friends and hanging out with a bossom friend from Chautauqua.

He spent several hours building blanket forts, playing legos, swimming in the pool, hanging out in the computer room, riding up and down in the elevator, and running around being a ninja. He was making his own memories, which just fills me up with joy. As a child, my family took the same vacation every year to Jesus Northwest, a christian music festival where you camped on-site and attended seminars and concerts and ate crappy fair-food. It was the one environment and the only time each year where my parents pretty much let me go free-range and do my own thing. I have such fond memories of meeting people, doing stupid things, going on those amazing childhood adventures that we all go on... to know that Silas will have those same memories, but of unschooling events (as opposed to Jesus events), makes me feel really good. Making that connection between my own childhood and his really helped me to step back, let go, and mellow the hell out. The kid needs his own space to experience this.

And I needed the space to experience it for myself. I'm so glad I did.

The cheesiest thing EVER.

2011-03-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you've heard that one quote, "be the change you wish to see in the world"... Yah, cheese-wiz, I know, but it's playing on a constant loop in my head these past few days.

Between talking to a homeless man about community and "the village" and supporting eachother, to seeing a friend start up a nourishing and community-benefiting venture, to spending Sunday in downtown Seattle with a good friend who is thinking and feeling a lot of the same things about community and supporting people and bringing about change... I'm a woman obsessed. I see it not only in my town, my country, and the world at large, but in my own personal relationships - I get so caught up in my own perceived hurts and unmet needs that I lose focus on taking care of other peoples needs... People I'm close to as well as people I've never met. The whole picture should be on my radar. If there is a gap, I've got no one to blame for not filling it other than myself.

This has nothing to do with being a stubby squid (whatever that means), but it feels like it goes somehow... like I'm stunting myself. So no more resting on my laurels... it's time for some hardcore DOING. I have no idea what this means yet. Once I do, I'll be all up in your faces talking about it.

Lots to say & no drive to say it.

2011-01-31T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking much here anymore. I suppose that's alright. I'm tired of thinking of everything in my life as something to potentially write about. I have a lot to say and no matter how much I want to say it... the sentences and paragraphs aren't coming together. I still update my two Tumblrs regularly and tweet and am on facebook and all that. I still internet it up, but I'm reading less blogs and trying to spend shorter units of time on the computer and am trying to focus on just... living. Living for the sake of living. Living my life and keeping some of it to myself. This isn't some kind of declaration that I'll never write again or anything so black and white, just that if you don't see me much, I'm ok.

I'm still here, chief.

how we do.

2011-01-15T11:22:00.001-08:00

Time is, how shall I put this...? Weird. Time is weird.

2011-01-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

There seems to be one consistent theme about getting older - time moves faster. It's like lightning. You can't slow it down, no matter how hard you try to live consciously and presently and IN every single moment. I'm worried it's not possible to savor it. Time moves so incredibly fast for me that it frightens me. How is it the middle of January? How is it 2011? How am I turning 30 this summer?

30. I've never thought very tangibly about what comes after 30. Sure, I've thought, "Oh! When Silas is 18 I'll be 38!" or, "Hey, someday I'll retire and travel a bunch. I'll be like 60 or something then."... these were abstract visualizations. I didn't actually picture myself at that age in my head or think much about what I'd be doing or who I'd be friends with or what my passions in life would be. They were just kind of a number. I've thought quite tangibly about 30, there's nothing abstract about it. I've got to say, a lot of the things happening in my reality are either similar or better than what I had hoped and imagined. I think I'll like 30, but it's a bit off-putting to know that in 8 months I will be the oldest I ever pictured myself being. That's... that's weird. Not like life will be over, just the opposite. This time speeding up thing makes that tricky though. Like, before I know it, it will be 2015 and Marty McFly will show up at my house in the DeLorean.

I mean, my kid doesn't wear jeans with a single number size anymore, just the inseam and waist measurements. That is trippy.

Well "Sinead O'Rebellion." Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.

2010-12-29T10:34:00.000-08:00

I don't hear people muse about the amazingness of the late 90s very often, which makes sense on a logical level... it wasn't an epic time period, really, except to the people who were the right age at the right time. I dropped out of high school in 1999 (I could say I graduated, but that isn't true. However, it would have been the year of my graduation had I desired to be there and/or put in any effort whatsoever), and I hold this time period near and dear to my heart. The colors I dyed my hair, the tweed slacks I thrifted, the horribly produced music videos, the friends I had... frozen in time and looked at through the rosy filter of nostalgia - it was wonderful.

The summer of 1997 stands out especially; I was in a band, a real bonafide band. We were only together for a couple of months and never actually played a gig, but we had a complete and utter BLAST. We kind of had a surf/ska thing going on, but without a horn section. You worked with what you had in a small town and my guess is that there were no trumpet players eager to join a crappy band that practiced in an empty rental house owned by the bass player's grandparents. It all started when I was taking drivers ed (I still cannot believe that this is not offered through the school anymore, atleast not in the PNW. You have to enroll in a privately owned driving school now and it costs like... money. This is just bizarre.) and I started hanging out with this kid named Kevin. I was in the school choir with his girlfriend and knew a lot of the same people, but didn't really get to know him until that summer. He had this band with 3 of his friends, but they were looking for a lead singer. Upon hearing this I cornered him and started singing Trapped in a Box by No Doubt... not my best moment. And certainly not the best song a vocalist can pick to showcase their talent, but I desperately wanted to be perceived as super cool and I could do a pretty good Gwen, so it got me in the band.

Practice was good times. Plain and simple. We came up with some of the most ridiculous songs - a surf-punk anthem about being a kid (complete with references to chicken mcnuggets, geoffrey the giraffe, and orange soda), a cover of Hey Mickey, but with the lyrics changed to "hey Stevie, you're a bitch. Hey Stevie. Hey Stevie." (all about a girl at our school who was hell-bent on making my life miserable. She was a real gem.), and some random riffs. The best thing about our silly little band, however, was our name. Sultans of the Latrine. SOL. I mean, c'mon... what the fuck does that even mean? I didn't nit-pick about it, since I was the last person to join the band and they came with the name, but man... if we'd ever actually played any gigs, that name would have been out of there. I'm not even sure how one comes up with such a name. Then again, Kevin's next band was at one point called Slave-Owner-Worm. Would you like to know why? Master-Bait. For real. And we thought these type of things were clever. But we were also smoking a bit of pot and were high on life and the fact that we were actually in a band. This will do things to your perception.

Lexi and I in Victoria, repping the end of an era. Blue sparkly eye shadow, bindis worn ironically, thrifting for t-shirts in the little boy's section, checking out guys in baggy jeans and wallet chains...

Sometimes I'll watch old videos or put on songs or pull out my old school notebooks (plastered with pictures of Billy Corgan, Bjork and Mike Ness, natch) and get all wistful about the good old days. I'm barely a decade out of those times, but they feel warm and fuzzy and smell of curly fries and maple bars... and musty racks of used clothes.

walking in a winter... minefield.

2010-12-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

The holidays were seriously fucking weird this year. Right? Am I the only one? It was more exhausting than usual, everyone was super worried about money and the economy (and rightfully so. what a mess.), the season seemed to come out of nowhere, it made my brain hurt, and made everyone a wee bit grumpy. I found myself overwhelmed and run down for about 95% of the festivities... I even ended up spiraling into a depressive episode that was thankfully very brief, but threw me for a loop, nonetheless.

Regardless of how hectic everything felt, it was a good holiday season and I can't help but marvel at what a fantastic life I have. We got to see family and friends and sup together and commune and fellowship and whatever else you want to refer to it as... I'm just so ridiculously appreciative of what we've got going. It's really really good.

One of the perks of being settled into the house is that we got to host Xmas morning brunch. Eggs, bacon, sourdough bread, pecan rolls, cinnamon rolls, egg and ham casserole, lots and lots of coffee. It's so wonderful to be blessed with the space to entertain. I kept having to turn the heat up, forgetting that other people actually turn their heat on when they're cold. Imagine that! We're those people - the ones who put on three pairs of socks each morning and wear scarves inside the house and put tons of extra blankets on the bed and use the interwebs with our fingerless gloves on. It's not that the house is freezing or anything, we're just really cheap and are terrified that our power bill is going to skyrocket. So far, the most expensive it's been (for the month of November, when there was half a foot of snow on the ground at one point) was $130-ish. Having come from apartment living for several years, we panicked a bit. Then we mentioned the bill to Seth's dad... yah. That's like, freaky cheap for a 1,200 sq foot house. We've got some wiggle room to work with and don't have to bundle up so ridiculously. This isn't soviet Russia.

I'm wearing those handy fingerless gloves as I type this. I think I've got the worst circulation in the world or something, because I'm still cold. And tired. And I have heartburn (that's neither here nor there, man). I've been napping a lot, drinking a lot of water, and spending as much time as possible doing mindless and enjoyable things to help myself recover. I have no idea if we're doing anything for NYE, seeing as Silas will be at his dad's house and we'll have the night free and open for whatever. I guess we'll just see what happens and hope that whatever we end up doing comes as a release rather than another thing to exhaust us.

It's like winter exploded in here.

2010-12-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart! Where?

2010-12-06T11:24:00.000-08:00

I know myself. I know myself well. I would be willing to bet just about anything that if I didn't have the cloud of Bi-Polar II hovering above me at all times, that I'd still be one of the most neurotic people you've ever met. I spend a lot of time beating myself up, dwelling on past mistakes, and worrying about what a complete and utter mess I am as a human being. This makes it hard to actually do the work of fixing that mess. Also, I think that my neurosis do a good job of blowing my mess out of proportion. It's cyclical, y'know.

Life is a series of moments all strung together. From what I can see, your average functional person takes each moment as it comes and does the best they can with it. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they don't do anything at all, sometimes they are amazing... but the moment passes and their life keeps going. I tend to view my life in a highly conceptual way. It's all big picture with me, no individual moments (unless, of course, we're talking about the moments in which I feel I failed, those are definitely seen). The parenting and coexisting failures tend to stick to my sides like static cling. I find it near impossible to let them go and move about the business of continuing to live my life.

Sometimes being a highly self-aware and neurotic person is a gift, but most of the time, it's a fucking millstone. My life is amazing. I never thought that this many of the pieces would have fallen into place before the age of 30. There is only one thing missing from my current life that would bring me up to the 100% mark of living my dream (and predictably, that thing is another child). I have lived through so many things: damaging friendships, poverty, becoming a mother incredibly young and dealing with postpartum depression, bi-polar disorder, extreme unhappiness with my circumstances, jobs that sucked out my soul, a lonely and invalidated childhood, a volatile marriage, the list goes on... and there is one thing I've learned - There is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is a mood or a feeling. It comes from being pleased with the way things are going. Joy... joy is a different animal entirely. It's the knowledge, deep inside of yourself, that everything is going to be ok. The knowledge that circumstances mean very little in the grand scheme of things and that life is good and we're lucky for living it. It's a broad and sweeping contentment. Basically, easier said than done when you're a neurotic mess with a mental illness. I know I've had the joy before, I know it exists. For some people the joy is rooted in spiritual belief or faith, for some it's rooted in confidence in themselves and their ability to survive, for some... it's just natural and they don't even have to think about it existing - it just is. I think I've kind of lost the joy.

just look at all of that unbridled joy!

So that's a lot of where I've been. I'm working on tackling the individual moments, functioning to my full ability, and chasing the joy. Come back here, joy, Imma git you.

15% OFF. You want my stuff; I want your money. It's great, the way that works out.

2010-11-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

From now until Saturday I'm offering 15% off every item in the shop. Just type blackfriday into the "coupon code" box when checking out.

hibernating.

2010-11-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

As little as I've been posting, believe it or not I've been doing even less reading/commenting/internetting these past few weeks. Chalk it up to being burnt out, running low on emotional energy, being busy with other things, or just plain old winter hermitting. In all honesty, I can't pinpoint exactly what it is; most likely it's a combo of all of the above with a dash of everything else in life thrown into the mix.

I haven't forsaken the interwebs entirely - I'm still updating my Tumblr like a champ and even started up another one specifically dedicated to the domestic arts. I've also been doing bunches of Etsy stuff (adding some Xmas items to the shop, more garlands, etc) Other than that, consider me a bonafide lurker.

Oh... almost forgot to mention - our area has been blanketed in snow (that almost NEVER happens this early or this much) and we also experienced an earthquake yesterday afternoon. Excitement.

An image of the inclement weather via our local paper.

no words, just actions.

2010-11-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

the slippery slope of self-deprication and short-changing your talent and skill.

2010-11-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Reality checks often bounce and most of my wake-up calls go straight to voicemail.

The truth can be hard to hear, even when the truth is beneficial and flattering... and the truth is I have been severely underselling myself. I've been charging too little for my hand-sewn items. These creations take copious amounts of time, skill, talent, and effort. I tend to forget that not everyone can sew by hand, nor do most people want to and that just because it's fun, fulfilling and often easy for me, that doesn't negate the fact that it is my work.

Trying to assess the monetary value of ones own work is extremely tricky. I don't want to appear cocky, but frankly, I am incredibly confident in my own abilities at this point in my life. There are many things I do not know how to do in relation to sewing, but the techniques I do employ, I employ with great efficiency and speed. The way I sew is 100% unique to me as an individual, it is a style all its own. I've only really accepted and embraced this in the last few months, which is a bit ridiculous considering that I started sewing by hand when I was 4 years old. I have been creating treasures with needle and thread for 25 years.

T w e n t y
f i v e
y e a r s.
For reals.

I am valuable. My skill is valuable. The things I create are valuable. My body of work is valuable. I am an artist. I create art.

I think I've found my mantra.

trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.

2010-11-01T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I've never carved a pumpkin. If I have, I have no memory of it.

My first and last trip to the pumpkin patch when I was 7 or so.

For some reason, this Halloween has brought out more contemplation and retrospection in me than in previous years. Every time I see someone post about going to the pumpkin patch or carving pumpkins or taking a hay ride or baking Fall/Halloween specific treats, I feel a twinge of regret deep inside. I love Halloween and always have, but I feel like I've never fully embraced it. As a kid, my family never did much outside of costumes and attending our church's "Harvest Party" (don't call it a Halloween Party, whatever you do! That's eeeeevil...) and as I've grown and formed my own family, I've carried on in a similarly non-festive fashion. We do costumes and attend the downtown parade. That's it. If that was all I wanted out of the holiday, then I'd be peachy keen and nothing would be missing, but I think I want more. I want more for myself, I want more for Silas... I want more in general. Seth seems ok with the sparseness we currently uphold, but I know him well enough to know that if I were to gun for more festivity, he'd roll with the punches.

So all of this had been on my mind for the past few weeks, but it crystallized yesterday when a fellow unschooling mom (and good friend! I hate to get all biblical on you guys, but sometimes I feel like she is the Naomi to my Ruth, mentoring me through things. Our conversations are painfully open and honest and vulnerable and I love it.) posted about baking homemade goodies for the trick or treaters and building community through acts of kindness. This resonated with me so deeply. We've only lived in this neighborhood for 5 months and we already feel like we strongly dislike a couple of our neighbors. I don't know if that will change, but I do know that I love our little street and I love our little town and I'd rather be a shining little beacon of positivity than the grumpy curmudgeon at the end of the street. We didn't get one trick or treater last night. This may have been because our street is 1/2 a mile outside of the main part of town, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there were kids in our area that never came up to knock because our porch light wasn't on and our house looked far less than inviting. I would love to change that.

I find a lot of comfort in rituals and traditions and it's my goal next Halloween to not only be a positive beacon (possibly with brownies!), but to establish some sentimental traditions for myself and my family. I want fresh cider and hot filling meals and baked goods and warm fuzzy feelings and yes, possibly a carved pumpkin or two.

The (updated) Halloween Anthology

2010-10-31T17:14:00.000-07:00

2010 - Silas: Astroboy. Me: my own facebook profile.

2009 - Silas: Pikachu!

2008 - Silas: Jeopardy Contestant. Seth: Jesus. Me: Rainbow Brite

2007 - Silas: Young Link.

2006 - Silas: Yoshi. Me: Half-assed cat.

2002, 2003, and 2004 are sadly missing. But here he is in 2001 as a lamb.

scenic as shit!

2010-10-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Amidst the chaos...

2010-10-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

I managed to get a bit of sewing done this weekend and added a new section to the shop: Baby Items. In case you haven't noticed, I've been having an obscene amount of fun with patchwork. I just can't get enough of it.

challenging people face to face isn't my strong suit.

2010-10-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am beyond disgusted right now.

I am disgusted by intolerant and insensitive comments that were made in my home last night by friends. There was a mixed bag of racial slurs, homophobia, ableism, victim-blaming, sizeism, rape jokes, sexism, and some slut-shaming, to boot!

I am disgusted that the friends saying these things have it so deeply ingrained in them that it's normal to say such things that they seem completely unaware of how offensive their speech is. Not because *I'M* easily offended, but because these things are sweepingly and unavoidably OFFENSIVE.

I am disgusted with myself for not saying anything. I am disgusted with Seth for not saying anything.

I am disgusted by the generalization that this is how guys talk and that they're used to it and it's no big deal. I'm not listening to excuses.

I have no idea how to deal with this. It's not like I'm some model of perfect behavior when it comes to sensitivity and language. I still struggle with saying "lame" and "crazy" and other things as pejoratives, but I'm conscious of it and working to fix it. I'm not sure that any red flags were going up last night for anyone other than me, honestly... I saw no real awareness. It's not my fault that these friends said these things, yet I feel responsible for the situation. I said nothing. We said nothing.

atleast you have your health...

2010-10-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

except when you don't...

I like to brag (yes, I said it) about how I'm fat AND healthy, I like to prove to the world at large that a person really can be both, I like to mess with peoples assumptions and the negative stereotyping of fatties and commonly believed medical myths and all that. I don't owe it to anyone to justify my existence by being "the good fatty" who takes care of herself through nutrition and exercise and practicing Health At Every Size. These really are great things that are intrinsically important to me, but they heap a bit of pressure onto an already complicated existence - The pressure to always be healthy... to prove them all wrong. I've always been big on proving people wrong. I could probably list it as one of my hobbies, with how much time and thought goes into me doing it.

There are some weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I wear on my sleeve like a badge of honor. I've been incredibly open about being Bi-Polar with minimal amounts of shame or embarrassment, yet I feel a responsibility to be some kind of example when it comes to the health of my physical body. It's getting exhausting... because here's the kicker - in the last year my blood pressure has crept up from being perfectly normal (which was a big deal for me, it had been consistently high ever since I became pregnant with Silas) to a bit high. My average reading seems to float around 145/80. It's not astronomically high, but high enough that my doctor is concerned and wants it nipped in the bud. She prescribed me a water pill, which I was highly uncomfortable with, but I felt weak and submissive after several visits where my BP read high and I had to listen to her go on about how we were going to treat it. I resisted checking the nutritional info on foods for sodium content, worried that my eyes would drift up to calories and fat content, triggering starvation mode. I didn't take any of her advice or look into any ways to naturally treat hypertension (because that would mean admitting some kind of failure or something on my part, I must be a bad bad bad fatty, blah blah) and of course my reading kept coming up a bit high, over and over. Finally, after 3 or 4 appointments where this happened, I came home and did an audit of my pantry. Well... crap. I had to purge a lot of random things from our regular diet. Who knew that Annie's Mac & Cheese had almost 30% of your daily sodium?! Anyone who isn't triggered by reading the nutritional info, I guess.

I'm really interested in nutrition, but have to be careful because of those deep-seated trigger issues. Going through our non-perishable cupboard was eye-opening; I knew I had to make some big changes if I wanted to move past denial and into doing something about this. I took the water pill for a few days (it sat in my cupboard for weeks before I felt ready to try it and see if it helped) and was quite frustrated to find that it left me feeling incredibly ill. Though it was liberating to know that it had been removed as a treatment option and that with some focus and effort I could think about treating this naturally. So I started to do some research online about different things that can help lower high blood pressure and basically started doing ALL of them. I don't know what is specifically causing my BP to go up after it finally settling in a normal range, but it seems most likely that it's a combination of lots of little things. I figure that making lots of little changes may address some of those causes.

image credit: Sorta Crunchy

I started by ordering a new blender (my old one was seriously CRAP) and a pound of spirulina powder. It was time to dive into the epic green smoothie trend. And...? I'm so glad I did. We've been drinking smoothies every morning for breakfast for the last few weeks and I'm loving it. My basic recipe seems to be one frozen banana, a varied combo of frozen fruit (strawberries, blueberries, peaches, cantaloupe, raspberries, mango, and pears), kale, wheat grass, spinach, spirulina powder, and some water and orange juice to thin it all out. I generally make an entire pitcher full and we split it between the three of us, with me drinking the most. It hasn't been quite long enough to make a significant difference in my numbers, but I am definitely feeling better. I also read in a few different places that hypertension can be one of the symptoms of magnesium deficiency, so I went ahead and started taking a magnesium supplement. I've started drinking about twice as much water as I was before, have cut back my drinking to about 25% of what it previously was and have upped my amount of exercise from a couple times a week to every weekday. I've been practicing deep breathing and mild meditation on a daily basis as well as ordering a personal blood pressure monitor so I can keep track at home. I'm hoping that all of these things combined will lead to better numbers.

At my most recent doctors appointment, I was only a week into drinking the smoothies (and had started a few of the small changes in my daily habits) and my blood pressure was the lowest it's been at any visit with her (I've been seeing her since Spring). That was HIGHLY encouraging... I'm crossing my fingers that if I keep this up, I'll be in the normal range soon.

I don't want to be a detriment to the fat acceptance movement by living the "good fatty" stereotype. We don't owe it to anyone to prove how healthy we are/we don't need to justify our existence in fat bodies/personal health is just that... personal. It's not anyone else's business and choosing to share it with others doesn't give them any ownership or entitlement to my health, but I want to share it. Health is important to me. It's hard to disconnect these things and untangle them from each other. So basically, it's complicated.

the brain is at full capacity.

2010-10-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

It's near impossible for me to concentrate on anything substantial right now. I'm finally admitting that. My brain is pulled in so many different directions. There's family and home life and money and expecting the unexpected and navigating social relationships and figuring out what we're going to do next with the whole job/income/blahblahblah/thing and trying to be as honest as possible in my writing without crossing anyone's boundaries... Just so many things.

I think the thing that takes up the most space in my mind is trying to know how to do the best I can for our family. Parenting Silas is a rough one. It takes up all of my mental energy. Though it's not the actual parenting of him that drains me, it's the overwhelming and obsessive neurosis I have deep inside of me. I over-think, I worry, I beat myself up. Actually parenting him is pretty damn easy a lot of the time. He's growing into this incredibly competent young man; he's fair and just and acts as the UN in his friendships. If he sees conflict, he wants to help resolve it. It's quite a thing to watch. It's not something I possessed as a kid... or now. I've never dealt well with conflict, I've always been a chronic avoider, but not Silas. That kid dives right into the middle and mediates the shit out of things. He doesn't let it wind him up. He is still what I would call a "high-energy" or "hyper" kid, but his overall demeanor has mellowed this past year or so. He's calmer and more introspective. He's willing to compromise and work with us (and people in general) to find a middle ground that everyone can live with. He's grown more assertive and advocates well for himself when something is important to him. I worry for him sometimes, now that he's found his voice. In some environments, no matter how reasonable and level-headed his voice is, an argument is an argument. His dad has talked to me many times about how Silas "talks back" and I've tried to explain that Silas is growing and speaking up for himself and that challenging authority is one of the best qualities a young person can have. He gets it on some level, but the knee-jerk reaction when it's HIS authority being challenged isn't right. I don't want to have to tell my child to be less of himself around certain people, but sometimes I feel like I have to in order to protect him from unfair treatment. So there's some of the worry.

I also worry that him and I aren't going out into the world enough together. When left to his own devices (much like his mother) he would stay home pretty much all the time. The days start to blend together into a blur and no experience is distinguishable from the next. It takes a lot to force myself out of the house more than once or twice a week and I'm seeing that Silas can be the same way. I try and plan things for us to go do, as well as doing things spontaneously, but it's hard for me to force myself into that. I'm always glad I did, once it's all said and done... as is Silas. He's usually open to doing things and seeing people, it's just rarely his idea or him that initiates it. We're just homebodies... we like being home. We're not hermits anymore, by any stretch of the imagination. We've grown and taken risks and it's been fantastic, so it's not an all-consuming worry, but it's always on the edge of my mind.

Everything is always on the edge of my mind all the time...

werq it.

2010-10-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

Another day, another treasury. Thanks to those who have bought things from my shop since yesterdays post, as well as those who have posted the button on their own blogs! I've been putting around the sewing room non-stop and there are now three patchwork cuffs listed. Today I'm working on some decor items, so we'll see how those go.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Alternately titled, “if you purchase my wares I’ll thank you forever.”

2010-10-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

So it’s seriously looking like our current employment/income situation will be changing drastically soon. With the economy like it is, yah... We’re trying to stay positive, but the harsh reality is that we just had this house built. When we started the building process, our financial situation was doing fine (and it still is, we just won't have as steady of an income in the coming months). Now we are living in our dream home (I feel it's important to say that our particular dream home is a very modest 3 bedroom on a small lot, and we only paid about half of what other houses this size go for in this town. We got a fantastic deal because of all the USDA first time homebuyers programs and had a steady and reliable income when we bought this house.)… this is just… jarring. We’re in shock and trying to figure out what to do next.

I'm not a person who asks for help. I'm just not. There have been so many times in my life where I needed help and didn't ask for it. So I'm asking for help from you, my readers and friends. I'm contemplating putting up a donation button or something... in some ways, it doesn't feel kosher to me. I know myself and I worry I'd carry the guilt around like a millstone, but my guilt and the issues surrounding it are my own thing to un-pack. In the meantime, I have taken steps to re-brand my shop and expand the diversity of the items I carry, so that people might buy my stuff and support us in that way.

Here's one of the new items: a fabric patchwork cuff.

In the coming week I'll be adding a bunch of new items to the shop - sewn art in the form of bracelets/cuffs, decor items, and just whatever I feel inspired to make. These new items will have FREE SHIPPING from the time they are added until the end of the month. I also designed a button that can be put on people's blogs, if they feel compelled to help promote my shop.

Here's the code to do so:

So yes, we aren't exactly sure what we'll be doing next. There's unemployment and food stamps and going back to school programs for displaced workers... and I sew things. I sew things well. If there is any way I can help our situation by selling these items I've sewn to my readers, then I'm going to try.