Portland - you make me love you.

Last weekend I made it a point to drive 4 hours south and visit my best friend from way, way back. I'm so glad I did. We didn't see her mother (who it turns out has no ill will towards me and is just very social-network-illiterate and wants to keep her profile for family members and business stuff only and just didn't know that denying without any kind of personal message might come off as rude)... whew. Deep breath. I felt a huge weight off when I realized that while talking to Lexi about the whole thing.

So far 2010 has a definite theme: Self Awareness. I've always known that I gravitate towards curling up inside my own head and over-analyzing things, but this is the first time I've really acknowledged that tendency and worked hard to overcome it. A friend recently recommended that I read The Curse Of The Good Girl. It's technically a guide to raising strong, confident young girls, but I'm finding mountains of invaluable insight into my own patterns and habits within myself and especially within my friendships. Girls are raised to be so pleasant and non-confrontational and people-pleasing, but it just makes us soppy wet rags who can't handle criticism or rejection. It's not good. I've never fit the "good girl" mold 100%, but I can remember my mother putting pressure on me to atleast try. I was mouthy and non-conformist, but still had an innate drive to make people like me, I just liked to make it really hard for them. I figured if they made it through my wild veneer, then they were the real deal and would stick around for years and years of goofy friendship bliss with no confrontation whatsoever. I sometimes wonder what planet I'm from, that I do these crazy things. I think it's something that stems from Bi-Polar and maybe my obsessive tendencies just took it up a notch. Most likely, it's a combo of a lot of things and I'll never be able to pinpoint it's exact origin, but just knowing it's there is invaluable.

My fragility and inability to take constructive criticism or conflict in general has been a major roadblock in personal relationships in the past. Reconnecting with my best friend from the high school days has been a great exercise in breaking that pattern and learning to develop some sort of skin. Her and I live very different lives, believe different things, and have finally come to a common ground where that isn't a problem. There was a time where any conversation about almost any subject could turn me into a ball of raw nerves, wondering if it was going to go in a direction where we didn't agree. Wondering if it was going to end the friendship because we were just too far apart in some things... Looking back at those feelings, now being in a stronger place, I feel downright silly for being so fragile and assuming our connection was built on shifting sand. When I divorced my ex, moved to a liberal hippie town, and shacked up with a boy she didn't know, it DID throw a wrench in things for awhile... we lost our understanding of eachother and both backed off of the friendship to allow some space for growth. That space was invaluable, in hindsight, and has led to us being as close as we are now, but at the time the motivation was purely self-preservation and avoidance. The conflict that would have arose from our very different circumstances could have torn us apart back then, with the stability of the relationship in such shambles. I'm glad we're more concrete these days.

During our visit we had many conversations that further proved we're not always on the same page, and those conversations revealed that that is not a problem. It's not the end of the world. I still don't enjoy debating points, but being able to discuss things casually without breaking down is a huge step.

Besides, it's worth it to be able to cuddle her brand new little boy. I feel terrible that our emotional distance those few years meant that she missed out on part of Silas' life and I'm so glad that we figured things out in time that I won't have to miss out on Torsten. He is so exceedingly sweet and lovey and mellow and just... just... a dream. He's seriously a dream. I feel so honored and privileged to be that little man's honorary auntie.

And... to be Lexi's friend. It was so good to goof off again. We took goofy pictures of eachother on a stone bench and laughed and laughed and laughed. I hadn't done anything that silly in years.

We went thrift shopping and drank coffee and watched movies and drove around and planned meals and cuddled the baby and laughed and laughed and laughed. Our last visit had a different dynamic because she was at the tail end of a pregnancy, the drive there was MUCH longer, they were on the verge of moving out of their house, and I had Silas in tow. Our next visit will be late in the summer, once we've moved into our house and can host them up here in Port Townsend. I'm looking forward to it with a fervor I haven't felt in a long time. I've already started making notes of what meals I'll cook while they're here, what foodstuffs I'll need to stock up on, what accommodations I'll need to have ready... I love being a hostess and haven't gotten to indulge that passion of mine in an extremely long time and NEVER in a home I owned. I'm ecstatic beyond belief!

By then this little man will most likely be running all over the place, talking a little, and challenging all of us to keep up with him if we can. I can't wait to chase him.