friends walk together, pop and lock together
So... finding my tribe didn't really work out. I was trying too hard, forcing it, moving things along a little quicker than what comes naturally... it wasn't meant to be. Finding friends shouldn't be so hard. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and the more I think about it - my intentions are just plain silly. Do I really need to be on the lookout for friends? I'm one of those people who views every interesting person they meet as a potential buddy. It's like I'm always "on the prowl". I think about all the people I've known over the years and the vast majority of them have had a few close friends, not always nearby, not getting together and doing stuff on too regular a basis. This is hardly a unique or unusual situation. It seems like most people, or most smart and discerning people, anyway, don't have huge groups of friends. Where did I get this concept of the large friend-base with a full social calendar stretched ahead of me?
It doesn't really matter... I've spent so much time at my own pity party, lamenting my lack of a social life, that I've barely acknowledged the existence of the solid and awesome friendships I do have.
I have a visual graph in my head, kind of like Murray's friendship graph. I want to work quickly and tirelessly to push my acquaintances from the level they're at up past the best friend forever level. I view every disagreement as a possible setback and wonder if I'm ascending or descending on their graph, when in all likelihood, none of them have any kind of graph in their brain. It's silly, because I know from experience, from my own real friendships over the years, that a true friend connection doesn't hinge on those things.
One of my best friends on this earth is Candace. Her and I have very few tangible things in common. She works 50 to 60 hours a week in an office and loves it, she has kitties and two dogs instead of kids, she and her husband go on atleast 4 or 5 awesome vacations a year to exotic and far away locations, she's 5 years older than me and was raised in England... yet, we click. My best friend Lexi is someone I've known since all the way back in HS and college. She just had her first baby earlier this year, we like different music, have different ideas about politics, believe totally different things... yet, we click. Another one of my best friends, Kelly, is someone I've only met in person once, lives about 4 hours away, is a proficient chef and seamstress, and an all around amazing person... yet, we click.
I'm officially retired from Looking For Friends. The ones I've already got are here to stay. If another happens to come along and the stars align, then cool... but this is getting downright silly.
5 comments:
So yeah, we should shop and have a pity party. I feel much the same way about friends. I've found that I make friends, but as soon as any conflict or disagreement arises, we just stop talking. It turns out that our connections are flimsy, our bond isn't strong enough to withstand even a minor disagreement. Without a workplace, school, or community to keep us in contact, we simply never talk again, even after the most minor of disagreements.
I'm torn on the issue of friends. I have in me a pretty lengthy spiel about the selfishness, independence and "privacy" (a.k.a. isolation) that permeates our culture and how all that inhibits meaningful connections between adults, and indeed, community in general. But every time I stand up to make my speech, I stop. I think it might just be me. I am contentious, difficult, sensitive, and sometimes needy.
I don't know if my argument is valid, but I don't really have the self-confidence to make it anyway.
Sigh. Let's go to Ikea.
I'm so glad you talked about friendship in this post. It's been on my mind too. In my former town (your lovely PT) I had many friends of all different levels of intimacies. Here I have far, far fewer "not-so-close" friends. And I'm really fine with that.
However, sometimes I think I will suddenly find myself "with my pants down" (not literally), you know, realizing I've *screwed up* in some way and I SHOULD have more friends than I do! And I'll only have my smug, hermity, whatever self to blame!
I want to work quickly and tirelessly to push my acquaintances from the level they're at up past the best friend forever level. I view every disagreement as a possible setback and wonder if I'm ascending or descending on their graph, when in all likelihood, none of them have any kind of graph in their brain.
I have actually known many, many young women who report this trait. I do not think you are alone in this. I have been friends with many women who do this and it's hard for me, because they are so quick to worry over small things as being large things and it causes them a lot of suffering and sometimes resentments and hurt that are needless.
And you know... I think there are many older women who do this too - who seek a fast(er) intimacy and are easily threatened - into fight or flight - by a disagreement or vibe or difficulty, however minor. I think with older women though I am usually kind of intimidated by them and assume they have some "wisdom" that means their behaviors mean something more elevated and complex than the same behaviors in younger women. But the more I myself age the more this seems untrue.
Keep in mind too: there is no "set" or perfect number of friends and types of relationships. Women who are private, hermitty, or shy often feel either implicitly or explicitly "othered" because they don't find everything a big social party, which is a damn shame, because we don't punish men who share those traits. At all.
Have you read Rachel Simmons' book The Curse of the Good Girl? Ostensibly about girls and girl relationships, but when I read it earlier this year it kind of BLEW MY MIND, in thinking about my friendships and the friendships girls / women seem to form, feel pressured to maintain, and continue despite difficulties. I'd love to hear what (either of you) think about the book.
I have contemplated this one a bit -especially as a Mom. I remember feeling weird for a long time because I wasn't into the whole Playgroup/Mom group thing and I felt kind of isolated. But it kind of hit me that I do have a few good friends. Geography is an issue in many cases. (I wish teleporters would be invented) What is kind of nice is that my "Mom" friends and I don't have everything in common and it kind of helps in a way to view certain things from different perspectives.
I admit I get kind of shy around a lot of people and keep them at a distance when it comes to the whole friendship thing. I spend my time thinking that everyone must think I am weird or something. Of course it doesn't help that I live somewhere where people have nannies and send their children to mandarin chinese lessons because their kid needs to have the cutting edge and I am a little more laid back. For a long time I hated going to the playground because it seemed populated by nothing but tall blonde women with giant coffee drinks and their iphones. Ignoring their children and talking schools. So yeah... I wanted to find my tribe of the slightly messy short brunette Moms who were kind of crunchy but sensible.
Forgive me for rambling.
*sigh*
If you have at least one friend, more than just a casual acquaintance, who isn't family, who you see more than twice a year, you've got it good. That's what I want, but never have had. But I wouldn't know what to do with them. Legend has it that if you're an outcast in high school, there are other outcasts you hang out with and ultimately fit in with. I never went to high school and even if I did, I wouldn't have fit in with the other outcasts--wouldn't have been 'freaky' enough for them.
Yes, sometimes I do throw a pity party for myself. I don't want lots of friends, just a few that aren't related to me. But I don't even have that.
I love this post. I have often stuggled with the whole friendship issue. I'm a guys kind of girl. I have always had more male friends than females friends. When I read article and books about the whole female friendship thing I end up feeling horrible because I don't really have that strong female friend who has been with me through everything. I honestly don't have any "real" friends past my own husband. I think I'm just too difficult of a personality for most.
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