Insecure perfectionism.
Yesterday morning there was a break in the clouds that provided the perfect opportunity for Silas to take out the recycling. It's been raining almost non-stop for several days, so to have a period of dry time was downright miraculous. He took out all of the glass and about half of the plastics/cans when he came limping through the back door with a look of utter defeat on his face. "I fell over a tree root that was sticking out of the ground and I just... I just think that maybe it's a bad idea for me to do the recycling. I shouldn't do the recycling anymore. I fell and it hurts on my knees and I just think this means I can't do the recycling anymore. I'm never doing the recycling again." His voice was tense and quick and a little high pitched. He was frantic, yet firm. It was almost humorous, the way he was repeating himself, except that he had scraped his knees a little and I could tell that he was genuinely freaked out by the experience.
He has not yet developed the skill of failing (or making mistakes) gracefully. Which is ok, he's young yet, and there's plenty of time to learn how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try, try again. He gets completely bent out of shape any time things don't go as planned or any time he can't pull something off that he's trying at. He is ruled by his current, right-in-the-moment circumstances. It's something I can understand. Happiness and joy are two different things... I sometimes wonder if people like us, sponges of our circumstances and surroundings, are truly capable of real joy: the joy that can't be shaken by messing up, things not going according to plan, or not having each and every new endeavor pan out. I think we are, deep down, but I have yet to experience it.
I worry for him sometimes... I NEVER learned this skill. I just never picked it up. His reaction to losing a level in a video game is similar to my reaction when I try a new recipe and butcher it. "I can't believe this turned out so badly. I'm never making this again. It wasn't supposed to look like this! The sauce was supposed to be thicker and it wasn't supposed to get crispy. I'm done. I give up." And that's when I throw the didn't-quite-turn-out-meal into the trash. I huff and I puff like a 5 year old. I pout. I might even slam the cupboards a little and bang around the kitchen instead of just accepting that something didn't turn out on the first try. It's ok to have feelings and emotions aout a setback or mistake, but to hold onto those feelings for dear life and to make them a part of your life... it's not so healthy.
I stumbled upon two quotes from "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort (seriously, if there's one peaceful parenting book you buy, let it be this one) that really hit home regarding this exact subject:
- If he learns that his happiness depends on others or on circumstances, he is helpless; there is nothing he can do about it. - in relation to some people developing a "victim" mentality at a young age.
- Feelings are here to pass through us, so we can move on free of their grip. - in relation to not stifling the release of feelings and emotions in a child and then being able to let go of those feelings.
This kid will eventually learn that things don't always go perfectly and that doesn't mean you won't master it in the end. It doesn't mean it won't be ok next time. It doesn't mean that it's the end of the world. It really isn't the end of the world. I have to be willing to lead by example in this one, which is really hard for me. I'm determined to make sure we talk about this every time a teaching moment presents itself, because the mental list of things I tried once, failed at, and refused to ever try again is astronomical.
6 comments:
I think you need to give yourself a break regarding talk of failing. Fail is such a horrible word - we don't fail - what we do is make mistakes which we can learn from, or simply have accidents like Silas did. There is nobody on the planet who does not make mistakes and have accidents.
Even if we don't succeed at something and decide we don't want to try again, we still haven't failed. It's our decision to make, and making any decision in life takes a certain amount of courage. So, you made the decision to not try again for now - that's great, making decisions is hard. Be a little kinder to yourself. :)
Debs - I edited the post, adding in some additional thoughts to clarify my meaning. I think I may have written the original post a bit too quickly to fully articulate what I was trying to say. Hope it's a bit clearer now. :)
Wonderful post. Just wishlisted that book.
I guess it depends on the words we use, but "fail" is an OK word with me. I fail all the time. Failing is trying something and NOT succeeding. Sometimes I never try again. But usually I do, and having a sense of humor about my failures helps.
Have you read Rachel Simmons "The Curse of the Good Girl" yet? Great stuff for a woman - how we grow up with that insecure perfectionism you're speaking about. The book is about parenting or relating to adolescent girls, but I found it SO informative as far as my own worldview and mindset.
The tantrums, the pouting, the "I'll never try this again" feeling? Yeah, that's not the worst thing - it happens to most of us. Like you said, sometimes though it can be TOO crushing, or too extreme, and that can really hold us back. It's really hard to break that habit, but I know you can do it. It might take time!
As for the kiddos: I am pretty good about articulating my successes and mistakes to my children. I think it has helped them a lot. They still like to do things right. They still - especially Sophie - can feel humiliated and shaken when they screw up / make mistakes / have accidents. I've learned how to identify their big emotions and be empathetic and calm, and listen to their feelings - then wait and see. Sometimes they want my encouragement to try again, sometimes they want my support so they can quit, sometimes they just need a minute to figure out what to do. It can be heartbreaking to see our kids get so sad, but it's also this amazing gift that we can be their witness and the one who loves them and hears them in the moment.
Thanks for the post - I loved it!
i'm still working on those skills. and oddly enough the moment i just let myself have them, really have them without trying to talk myself out of them, the lesser they were. zeb deals with perfectionism like NOBODIES business. i try to emphasize the importance of mistakes. we talk a lot about how things came to be - how many lightbulbs did edison make before he made one that worked? how many years of trial and error did the wright brothers take to finally fly? is building a flying car viewed the same as discuovering electricity was; interesting but pointless? - it all leads him to think about how we just don't know what that failure (or seemingly unimportant success) could have really just meant to us or others.
i also do a lot of reminding myself that i can enjoy the process without attachment to the outcome. it's a difficult concept for zeb to grasp but he sees me working at forgiving myself or letting go of imperfections. and he may be an adult like his mom before he figures it out but i know he will figure it out. or i hope. ;)
Thanks for this :)
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