northerner, youngin', hippie, disrespectful little twit, what have you...
I might be the only one here, but the most recent Momversation made me feel like some kind of freak of nature.
I grew up calling my parents Thom & Jai. It wasn't until I was 8 or 9 and the public school principal made a comment to them that she felt it was highly disrespectful, that my mom insisted I call them by their titles of Mom & Dad instead. My older half siblings lived with their mom and my youngest brother wasn't born until I was 11, so I essentially spent most of my childhood as an only-child. No other kids were around. I never heard anyone call my parents mom & dad and so it just didn't stick. My parents never had a problem with it. It seemed natural.
Silas goes back and forth between calling me Mom or Mama, and addresses me as Jasie if he's trying to get my attention in a place where there are a lot of other adults. He's learned that if he just says, "hey mom", eight different women will turn around. He calls his stepfather by his first name and has always called his father's girlfriends by their first names. He calls my dad Grandpa Thom. His friends' moms are either addressed by their first names or as "so and so's mom".
Is this a hippie thing? Is this a Pacific Northwest thing? Is this a generation whatever thing? Is this a horrible wild children running amok thing? I feel like an outsider here, man.
9 comments:
I called my Mom... Mom. It works. Though collectively my siblings and I jokingly call her Mrs. Chazbot on occasion. I refer to my estranged Father by his surname. My Mother had me call certain adults Mr. or Mrs. so and so because they were of a certain age that demanded that kind of respect. If we were invited to call them by their first name then we did. It was mostly a matter of being taught to never assume familiarity with someone unless invited to. I tend to go with that same approach. Formality before familiarity so as not to insult anyone.
I guess we just never talk to people we don't know. I can't think of a single person he would have met in the past couple of years who he wouldn't have already known what to call them. I think we're in the minority, there...
One of the comments that one of those women said really rubbed me the wrong way. She said that it's important for kids to "respect their elders no matter what."
Well, pardon my language, but I find that a complete crock of shit.
If I hadn't been taught to respect my elders no matter what I might have told someone that my uncle molested me and my sisters might not have been subject to it.
Now more generally speaking, I think the idea of how we address people conveying respect can be kind of antiquated. Now honestly, I will say, "hello sir" or "hi mam" to people who I don't know and are older than me, especially if they have done me a favor (e.g. I ask someone what time it is at the bus stop, they tell me, and I say "thank you sir"). I think it just adds a kind of touch of class. But not because I feel compelled--because I WANT to. And I think that's the crux of it.
I don't buy for a second that kids are less respectful of their elders today than they once were. I think that they are just a little more honest/brazen about it. I'd rather be called "Katie" by my friends' kids in a respectful tone of voice than "Ms. Stickney" with resignation or bitterness.
My preference is aunt, actually. I like to be "Aunt Katie" to my friends' kids. But I think once they're teenagers--maybe 13-16 or so--it could just become "Katie." It's a way of designating that, "no, I'm not your pal" sentiment without it having to be forced or stuffy. But if I'm not particularly close with the kid that would be awkward. I can't really imagine, for example, Si calling me "Aunt Katie" unless we lived closer and I got to see him more often. But I also couldn't imagine being comfortable with him calling me "Ms. Stickney" or even "Ms. Katie" Just, no.
I also happen to believe that elders do NOT deserve the respect of children "no matter what." So that's probably why I'm bristling at this. Respect is communicated in many different ways!
"Respect is communicated in many different ways!"
Yes. This. Silas isn't always right there all the time, on the spot with his pleases and thank yous, but that kid - he has manners, sincere ones. I also like adding in sir or ma'am when I feel compelled. Working in customer service it wasn't uncommon at all for me to say to a courtesy clerk, "can you help this gentleman find x?"... or asking a sweet elderly woman, "would you like this in paper or plastic today, ma'am?"... but when we force kids to always assume that adults are above them or have the final say in all things, I think we set kids up for situations like what you suffered through growing up... or at the very least, we set them up to be passive, submissive, and not wholly autonomous.
yes, exactly! If we set kids up to be so passive and to make automatic assumptions about who is to be respected and trusted, how are they magically going to know, when they need to, how to be assertive and stand up for themselves?
And about Silas, I totally could see that. Of course no kids are perfectly respectful all the time (no adults are either!) but I definitely found him respectful and fun to be around :)
How does calling me Mrs. Reeves show you respect me more than if you call me Alison? Such formalities are quickly becoming antiquated. My kids know how to show respect in their attitudes and their tone of voice. They've learned this through modeling my respectful behaviour towards ALL people, NOT just my elders. This reminds me of the idiom that children should be seen and not heard. Stupid.
I remember being told off once at a wedding for calling my Antie "Joyce" and not putting the "Antie" in front of it, which I thought was ridiculous. Our little boy is 3 and he goes between calling us Mummy and Daddy and calling us by our names. I don't mind which he does but I must admit because of the way I was brought up it does sound strange hearing him call me Debi instead of Mummy. But we don't correct him, it's really up to him what he wants to call us (as long as it's not too insulting LOL!)
Really interesting post, thanks :) xx
I live in the southern U.S. and we put Ms. (Miss,Mrs.,or Mr.) in front of their first name. And I guess I'm a traditionalist, but I prefer this. It drives me crazy when I hear my daughter (age 17) call her friend's mom by her first name. We aren't peers - so I guess that's why is bothers me. But, on the other hand, I'm never one to tell others how it should be in their own home. What ever works for you!
Our daughters (born 1972 and 1973) called us by our first names - by our choice - when they were kids. They now use both "mom/dad" and our names interchangeably. I was about eight before I even knew my parents' names, among many other "secrets." Didn't want to repeat that! But, then, I don't like being referred to as "Ms" or "Mrs" either. It's not about respect, which is earned.
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